sorry

about the blog before this...it's barely coherent...lol
I was drunk or anything like that...grief is kinda lika a drug in and of itself, ya know?
I was just at home, the baby's sleeping, and the movies over....I'm alone.
And I get pissed, ya know?
How dare he do that shit-> just to get this big ass apartment, for me to wander around and feel lonely in???
I didn't care about it. It didn't matter to me. I squatted with him on a plaaet on the floor-VERLANDER, honey, I didn't care if we had COUCHES!
but I know you did.....
But like I said-I got pissed. I hated the apartment and the couches and the dvd player....cuz like I said-that shit doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is I HAD a family. I HAD a whole little life planned out. I had a hubby and babies that loved me....and now-NOT! ya know?
And I always took care of my mom when she was sick-I had to-who else would.....and I held her...while she convulsed....and all that white shit was pouring out of her mouth....and she was shaking...she was totally naked....and that shock of warmth when she pissed all over me...
DADDY-why was I HOLDING HER! She is YOUR WIFE. WHY couldn't I CALL 911....
I took care of him too...after she left him. And he took us to Loretta's...he was essentially useless. Just drunk and sad all the time. I've never seen my daddy cry so much. He'd cry in my arms, and when he passed out-I'd cover him and go lay down to hold my brothers and sister so they could cry on me too....
Whenever my baby crys I hold her. I kiss her boo-boo and I tell her "I know"
BUT
as much happiness as she brings-she also makes me so sad...
when she points at pictures and goes "dada?" four months is an eternity to a baby.....abd she looks so much like one sister and acts so much like the other one.....see and this is the point where I start bawling...cuz I MISS my babies. I miss them everyday, and I worry, but I know they'll be fine. I prayed to God and asked him to watch them and he said they'd be fine. He gave me that much.
But yeah. I was sad. I was lonely. I felt alone and like I did everything for everybody and was left with no one for myself.....but whatever.
Maybe that's my superpower.....

Verlander

I've been in love with Verlander since I was 16. Who knew that a trip to the toy store to get a a skateboard for my little brothers 10th birthday would have ended 5 years later with me being a single mother and heartbroken...
I don't remember very much for our first relationship....I remember he was with me when I got caught at Tony's stealing liquor for my 17th birthday...lol. And that he showed up like 5 hours late for my lakefront birthday party. He stayed for 20 minutes and left. And I was so mad that when I went home with Jennifer that night I smoked up and ate her out for hours...The following week I took him to see "Signs" and told him about what I did with Jennifer while we stood in line. He didn't say anything until the next day-I called him and he broke up with me.
Time passes...there's someone else. I love him (I think) he loves me (yeah right)...we relish doing bad things together...till one day the bad things get us caught up and he's gone and I'm alone...I grieve and I mourn and one day Verlnder's in my life again. He's cheating on his girlfriend cuz I'm a better lay....I'm cheating on my boyfriend cuz he's in jail and I hate to be alone...and because I'm still in love with this man, eleven years my senior, who would sooner chop his arm off than admit he cares about a woman. He's a total asshole...but I love him anyway...I act like I don't want him-cuz he acts like he doesn't want me...but everytime I escape the confines of Job Corps I make my cousin drive past his house...or I take a bus route that lets me walk thru there...yes, I am obsessive. We drink together. Motel-hop here and there so he doesn't get caught up...but strange as it seems we rarely have sex. It's more about the intimacy of the conversation.
I'm 18 now and christmas is right around the corner. Everyone is packing their shit and heading home to be with family. Not I. No sir. I am hardly welcome in my fathers house. Not this high school dropout. Juvenile delinquent. Bitch. Verlander drops me off from his house. This a rare treat since he mostly acts as if he could care less whether I come or go. I take the long walk up to my dorm. Lay down and my bed and text him "I don't want to be here." and miracle of miracles he actually turns around and comes back for me. I pack my stuff. And I spend my christmas vacation with him. His girlfriend calls him and dumps him the exact same day as I get a letter from my jailhouse boyfriend cutting me loose. And on December 23 we sit down and decide what to do with ourselves...because I'm carrying his baby. We decide we should do it together. He does so out of responsibility. He has two kids already and cares for them greatly. He will always take are of his responsibilties....I decide to stick with him because I have loved him since that day in the toy store...
"...excuse me miss, can I help you find something?..."

My pregnancy is crazy. I hate him sometimes. We crash at his friends house for a while, till I graduate from job corps, but it soon gets too crowded. We end up squatting in a basement. Sleeping on a twin boxspring covered in cardboard. Eating once a day-if that. It's hard. Everynight before we sleep I tell the man I love him. He usually says " I know."
He finally tells me as I am pushing his child into the world, he's holding me and he tells me, finally, that he loves me, too.

Family life is crazy but great. We make love in every room of our new house, even the hallway. I give him head in the outer stairwell. Crazy in love. We are best friends, so we rarely leave home without each other. If he goes out drinking "wit da guys" I come too...cuz I can hang...and after the drinks have taken their toll we end up going all out...I still remember staring up at the stars as he fucked me in Humbolt Park. "This is my man", I told them.

Now he's gone... and all i'm left with is memories...enough to fill a million of these fucking blogs.
I've seen other people. Kissed a few, yes, it's true-I admit to it. But I can't see giving my body to another man. 1rst of all-that would be the ultimate betrayal-to have another man fill his place in my body. 2nd because I don't believe in casual sex. It's not right. And I have never given my body to man I didn't love(even if they didn't love me back) and how can i love anyone else that much...while my heart is still so full of him. It's nuts and it sucks cuz I'm horny as hell, ya know. I am a sexual being. It's how I express myself...but you can do something you KNOW isn't right...not by anyone elses standards...but by your own...no, I'm too stubborn and proud for that. I don't compromise. and b/c 3rd..like I said, he's my best friend and I DO tell him everything. I don't want to tell him anything to hurt him anymore than he already is. I don't want to lose the man, that at 16 I pointed at and said to my little brother "You see that guy? I'm gonna marry him one day." And I don't want to go to hell.









But fuck, man...3 years is a long fucking time.....