GO
BEARS!



THAT IS ALL

i'm lookin at the slide show of trin on my page and she's in my lap rockin out to the kick-ass soundz i got on my page.....and she's watching the slideshow....and she pauses in her singing and bobbing to music to say "WOW! MOMMY-THAT BABY IS SO CUTE!"
and so now i'm just sitting here.
just, like, stunned and shit. i got caught in this moment. i'm like rubbing my face and fighting back tears. and...i don't really know how to express everything that i'm feeling....i mean it was such a precious moment....and at the same time i'm sitting here looking at all her old baby pix in slideshow format....and i just can't believe that my first baby has come to the point where she can just.....SAY things like that. i think that's what shocked me that most. i'm watching this little baby on the screen-and in my head that same little baby is sitting on my lap-but she's not a little baby-little babies don't form complex opinions about things they are exposed to AND THEN express those opinions in unsolicited, complete and articulate sentences. My daughter is growing up.........
why the hell is this happening?

i wouldn't mind being happy

i can't stop crying. i just can't. i'm hysterical over everything. i've been crying since last night. i cried myself to sleep. i've been crying since i woke up. i have been litterally sobbing for the last 58 minutes. i didn't want to get out of bed. if not for trins persistence-i might not have. i want to feel batter. i want to feel okay. i want to feel like myself and i want to look at things happily and i want to want to want to dothings and i can't and the fact that i can't just makes me cry harder. i want help. and the fact that i want help makes me cry. b/c ihate help. i can't....i just can't breathe. and maybe it's true, maybe being in constant unending pain can makea person crazy-b/c that that is how i feel-absolutely bonkers. i do not feel like myself. i feel totally alien. and i don't know how tofix it. i only know how to pretend i feel ok. i'm a pro at that. it was what i did my entire adolescent career. but you can't pretend everything is fine if you can't stopcrying and i can't stop crying. what the hell am i supposed todo? and i don't actually want advice. if you actually leave me some "take a walk, drink some herbal tea, think positive thoughts, and pray it's just the hormones it'll be over soon think of the baby" shitty ass advice i'll probly makeyour ears bleed right about now. if it were thatsimple i'd feel better. but i don't. i feel awful. i don't want to do anything. i don'twant to move. cleaning helps me feel better-but only temporarily. eating helps me feel better-but once i start it's difficult to stop and i don'tlike that at all. i am so tired. and i am so tired of never feeling rested. i am tired of waddling,and limping, and wincing and biting down on screams. i am tired of worrying and trying to find SOME way to make our finances work when i'm NOT working-b/c there is no way. and once i stop-we're screwed. i'mtiredofworries period. andi'm tired of the damn spacebar missing.
andfuck northwestern. i'm never dealingwith their asses again. i could die-just keel over and die waiting for them to see me. i'm supposed to be seen every week now. do you know the last time i had an appointment? DECEMBER 18th, that is the last time i was seen. they can never "fit me in" i am in terrible, constant pain. i can't stop crying. and they have already determined i have an infection-which they won't treat until they see me-but how the hell can they see me if i can never get an appointment? i hate them. and i hatethe stupid bitch "kiera"that hung up on me twice this morning-if she's gonnabe such a bitch she shouldn't be working with people and even tho i was finally able to yell, guilt, and cry my way into an appointment today at 2-i don't even want to go-cuz i'm SICK of them and i don't want to leave the house-and it's cold outside-and the chicago bus is mad niggerish-and i can't go outside if i can't STOP crying.
i dont know what the point was.
what the fuck ever.