Life is a beautiful struggle...I wouldn't change a thing.....This how I see it.

Friday, December 29, 2006

QUICK Story 2

ok-so i'm in the bathroom doing my hair and i'm singing some randomness thats stuck in my head and trinity is sitting on the toilet watching me-chillin.
And i'm singing.....
and the next thing i know my little brat goes
"mommy-shut UP!"
so i looked at her
and contiuned singing
and she goes
"shut UP shut UP shut UP!"
SO i grabbed the roll of toilet paper and threw it at her head
and told her"don't you tell me to shut up-YOU shut up!"
and my TWO YEAR OLD CATCHES the roll of toilet paper and throws it on the floor and tells me-
"don't hit me, mommy. SHUT UP!"
AND I'M JUST SHOCKED. I'M STUNNED. So i do shut up. And i'm just, like, looking at her, and she turns around and kneels on the toilet seat and starts playing with random stuff..........and SINGING!
OMG
this brat.
she's only two
what's she gonna be like at seventeen?

How'd I get so damn lucky?

Posted By:your small friend indeed...™

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Thursday, December 21, 2006

I am NOT an effing idiot. Mmmmmmmmmmmk?

This is for my critics. I had plenty at my old job-and a couple at this one. They think I'm stupid for having babies so young. As smart as I am-something MUST be wrong with me if I am having babies at my age with someone 32 years my senior. I must have made a mistake. I must be stupid. Or misguided. Or crazy. Or as the stupid heifer that had "her" twins at 21 seems to think a "whore". Well I'm not. And while I'm anything but part of the crowd-I'mma throw some statistics atcha right quick.

Mothers age Risk of Down Syndrome Risk if ANY chromosomal disorder
20 1/1,667 1/526
25 1/1,250 1/476
30 1/952 1/385
35 1/378 1/192
40 1/106 1/66
41 1/82 1/53
42 1/63 1/42
43 1/49 1/33
44 1/38 1/26
45 1/30 1/21

Now somebody tell me-why the hell would play a game where my odds of LOSING are 1/21??????? ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S WITH SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS THE LIFETIME HEALTH OF MY OFFSPRING?!?!!?!? When it's something THAT serious I'd rather my odds of losing be 1/526 than 1/476-cuz even tho they're both decent odds-I don't want to gamble like that with my BABY.
Leme explain why this is. Women are BORN with a finite number of eggs. My lil boo Trini is walking around with all the eggs she'll ever need or get for her whole life right now. So the eggs that are chilling in my ovaries-are 21 years old already. 21. And every year they get a little older, and more crusty, and a lil closer to expiring. Your aggs don't GET any better. They don't ripen with age. They get worse. it is my theory that thats why most women AGE so BADLY-b/c nature does not want ANYTHING trying to fertilize them old ass expired eggs.
This is not to say I encourage or even condone teen pregnancy. I don't. I don't think you should be allowed to HAVE kids unless you're capable of taking care of them. I was a teen when I got pregnant. EIGHTteen. And out of my parents house. Living at school-but still-out of their house. I was dependant on them for nothing. I HAD my GED and my HSD and pregnancy did NOT stop me from completing my schooling or my training or my internships. It did not stop me from getting a job at four months-to help support us-b/c V was getting less than 100 bucks a week after child support raped him. And after I had her-I did move back in with my parents. For 72 days. Temporarily-while they finished building our co-op. And during that time I took care of my baby. Everything. My mother watched her once for 45 mintues while I went to the dentist. That's it. They never bought a thing for her or prepared her bottles. SO there. Teen pregnancy or not-I handled my business and I always have & will. If you can't-then use a rubber.

Guess what else increases with age?
Your risk of having a low-weight, preterm baby.
Your risk of having a c-section.
Your risk for gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, and plecenta previa.
Your risk for stilbirth.
Your chances of maternal death.

You know what decreases with age?
Your chances of becoming pregnant at ALL. And with all the risks-do you really even wonder why?

I can quote these numbers to my critics all day long and they'll still just shake their heads and wave their hands at me. They don't get it. But I do.
And I'm not worried about my baby. I have all the confidence in the world that my son is healthy, and intelligent, and absolutely gorgeous. And my carrying that box with the 12 liters of dextrose isn't gonna hurt or change that-so stop tsk, tsking me. I know what I am capable of. And you obviously don't if you question my ability to care for child based on my age. I am doing the best thing for us. Making sure that my eggs are young and healthy to produce a healthy baby-and making sure I am young and healthy and STRONG enough to support his life inside of me as well as out. I don't need anyone to lean on during either part of his life. Can you old bitties say the same?

Friday, December 15, 2006

the woman in the doorway

I tend to be..... very strong in my convictions, to say the least. I rarely flip flop on things-If i can't give a strong opinion on something-i likely won't have one at all.....I'm highly judgmental and openly critical on most things. Arguing with me is mostly a waste of time-cuz I rarely change my mind. Some people despise these qualities-not just in me-but in every person like me. I like them tho. I value a person that has the will to hold their ground-as long as it's solid ground-and not some fairytale concoction based on myths instead of facts. But even though I am thoroughly convinced of every opinion I have formed-and I base my opinions on FACTS and logical reasoning derived from those FACTS....... doesn't mean I'm always right. I'm not always right. I'm right a helluva good percentage of the time-pretty good when you factor in the whole human being thing-but still, not always. And I know it. Don't think I don't know it. Cuz to assume that I am always right would make me a member of the stupid people-and you all know how I feel about them.
So i know I'm not always right. I know this. And this can cause me to doubt myself at times. More times than I'm likely to ever admit-and rarely does this self doubt ever show outwardly. But keep what I've just divulged in mind as I take you on this walk around my mind for a moment.


I love my husband. I love him dearly. And I love him ALWAYS. I may HATE him sometimes. But I love him ALL of the time. And this is one of those I things I never doubt. It is one of those things that won't change. And I don't say this with the naivete of someone being in the firs year "honeymoon" stage of a relationship. I say this after FIVE years and a desire bordering an obsession at times that we have shared-but both held our own pride so high we would not admit it to the other.
I say this after breakups and makeups, fights, blood, sweat, tears, pain, passion, rage, betrayal, loneliness, I say I love him still.......and I always will. So at no time think of this as......."doubt".....of my love for him. It's not. And such a thing does not exist for me.
But there have been times when what kept me from leaving, or what made me come back, or what even made me beg him to stay was not my love for him-but my love and commitment to the children, not just my flesh and blood, ALL of the children. I sometimes wonder what it would do to the woman that birthed them to know that. That tho she blames all the problems that have arisen in the last two years on me and that I know she'd love for me to be out of V's and thus-the twins lives forever-THAT "HER" girls have been then ones to keep us together at times. I think that actually is a bit "ironic".
I know the notion of "staying together for the kids" seems dated and old fashioned and not that "smart" for todays woman. But I believe it should be a factor-at least to some extent. As far as the twins are concerned-they've been thru hell already. They are the most confused children I have ever met. They are secretive and adaptive and easily bruised-despite the act they put on that everything is ok. They are smart-but their potential is degraded b/c they have so many other things to think about and worry over than being a third grader. They are under the impression that they have two daddies and two mommies and about twelves grandmas and that Santa still brings presents for the brother that they lost almost five years ago. They are skeptical when I tell them that they only have ONE mommy and ONE daddy and only one living grandparent on either side. They don't have ANY aunts-but every female that they knows' name has the prefix "ti-ti" attached-and almost every child they know is their "cousin". It's confusion. It's distraction. It's messed up in so many ways-and I don't want to be one to add to that confusion. They've been exposed to their mother and father hurling expletives, insults and accusations at each other so many times. They've watched their mother and their stepfather get into physical altercations.....and I refuse to expose them to any more that harsh whisper between me and my husband-b/c little girls don't need to worry about things like that. they should have memories like that to recall and GOD! i do not want them to grow up and think that it is normal to behave that way. To think that it is OK. Cuz it's not.
And now my own. My own little treasure. The piece of my heart that god took from me and let loose for me to run around and try to protect from the insanities of this world. I DON'T WANT HER TO END UP LIKE THAT. My baby is SMART and she is STRONG and she is OPINIONATED and VOCAL and CONFIDENT and I don't ever want her to lose any of that because of confusion. Because of distraction. I want to allow her to grow up-not force her to.
And here's the part where my opinions come in to play.....
I have judged the twins mother-the jury went out and returned with the verdict-"BAD"
BAD MOTHER
INCOMPETENT PARENT
And I have convinced myself that I am RIGHT. And in comparison to my own personal brand of mothering-I am STILL sure that I am RIGHT. But....I am not blind to the fact that I essentially stole this other womans children. Every child views it's mother as the BEST. Until something is done to challenge this in the child's mind and then the child has a choice to make and an opinion to form and all could be lost. I stole them-and the fact that I am a better cook, or housekeeper, or ouchie kisser doesn't make it ok. Every mother DESERVES the adoration of her children. Unchallenged. And I took that away from her. She now has to compete for the title of "best mommy". And perhaps it's better for the children. But-it's not fair.
She walked them out to the door today. And she hugged them goodbye. And they got into the car with ME. Into the "best car ever" as they have dubbed it. Even tho their mothers has a TV-mine still wins-mostly because it's mine. And she stood in the doorway and had to watch them-HER babies get into the car with ME. She had to. By order of the court she had to watch her kids get in the car and know they are gonna be with someone else they call their "mommy" for the next three days. I saw her.
And I never want that to be ME.
I never want to have to compete for the favor of my own children. I never want to have to watch them go with some person I barely know and CANNOT STAND. And the people that know me well, my dear treasured few friends-would insist that I'm being silly at this point. That in any "mothering" contest-I'd win hands down-as I would in any competition of character. But I did it. I did it to someone else. I watched it happen-I was there-and I am a MOTHER- i will always be a mother. And a mother's biggest fear is the loss of her baby. I can't stand to be away from her now-it worries me to death for her to spend a night away. you think I'd ever hand her over even for a whole weekend?!?!? Even to her father. She's my baby. And I need her.


Ahh. Relief.
sometimes you just gotta let it out.
sometimes you just have to blog about love, and hate, and doubt, and empathy.......
and it's ok
cuz it feels good to get it out

Wednesday, December 6, 2006

QUICK story

So I'm getting Trini breakfast this morning (Honeycomb is her new fave btw) and she asks the usual morning question of where daddy is-cuz he leaves before she wakes up and usually I tell he's at work and thats the end of it-but she's suddenly entered this "Why?" phase so this morning it whent like this:
Trini: Mommy-where da-yee?
Me:He's at work baby
Trini: Why?
Me:So.....he can make money.
Trini:Munny?
Me:Yes.
Trini: Why?
Me:Because we need money.
Trini:Why?
Me:(as I pour her cereal)Becaaaaaaaaaaause.....money buys us food.
Trini: Munny................Foo?
Me:Yes
Trini: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
MUN-NEE! MUN-NEE!!!
And I almost died laughing-but there were also tears in my eyes because.....well-because she's so damn cute and I'm so lucky she's mine and she's ALL mine and I never have to share her with ANYONE else.
And I love it.

Monday, December 4, 2006

Exhaustion

Well....I'm off today. Which is good. I just finished up a four day stint at the job. And I'm not knocking anybody here, I'm just saying putting in four ten hour days straight at my job is a trial that has few equals. Especially when you're pregnant. And when three of the four you're stuck TPN'ing. Not only are you there for 10.5 hours-which means you spend more waking hours there than with your family for four days-but you spend 5-8 of those hours on your feet. Pulling and shooting anywhere from 6-20 additives, checking weights and temps and refractive index's and flame photometry measurements, and hoping to GOD that anything that you've missed-the pharmacist will catch because someones life and well-being are in your hands. And we don't want any contamination so SPRAY, SPRAY, SPRAY-douse your hands and hood in alcohol CONSTANTLY-and don't be shy with the bleach in product introduction............
Oy! My back has been killing me. I tried those thermacare patches....they were ok-but they didn't last as long as I would have liked. I tried icy/hot-and that so last no where near as long as I want it to-PLUS it's incredibly difficult to put on your own back-PLUS everybody at work started calling me "grandma" cuz they said I smelled like Bengay. I beg Van for the painful relief that comes from a good rubdown. I want to soak in a piping hot bath soooooooooo bad-but my midwives say tepid to lukewarm are the only baths safe for the baby right now.
Am I bitching and moaning? Maybe. Just a bit.
But I'm also trying to make sense of this damn dream I just had.
It HAS to be from just sheer exhaustion. I can't explain it otherwise.
In my dream I'm in my house, cleaning the kitchen. Dancing around a bit. ANd my kitchen is way huger and so is my whole house-it's beautiful and extravagant-but basically the same layout-just bigger and better.
So I'm cleaning. And the twins are taking their showers. And Nina comes in and I ask her about her shower and she says something like "mommy helped me" or something-but it just doesn't make sense so i brush it off. Then I hear all this noise. And I walk down tho the girls room-and it's full of KIDS. The twins little cousin is running around in there with trin and there's this little girl who's their stepdads illegitimate half sister-so i guess it's like their half-step-aunt or something like that-but she's only 13 anyway so she's running around in there too-and there are some other little kids I don't even recognize and Nina is in there but Jessie is not and she's not in the shower so I walk to the frontroom and Jessie is sitting on the couch watching "Everybody Loves Raymond" with THEIR BIRTHMOM-who is also SITTING ON MY COUCH-IN MY HOUSE-OHMYEFFINGGOD. She's wearing this little jacket thing over her head and I make some random comment about it and she goes "O they're new coats for my girls I just came to drop them off. I just bought them today." An so I'm just like o, ok , whatever" and I walk back down the hallway to the kitchen-but the hallway has suddenly become long as HELL and my mind is just ALL fucked up. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that the heifer is in MY house on MY couch and I'm just like in a daze trying to figure out-what the hell do I do?????????? I can't kill her-I have a house full of kids. So then I go yell at Nina for getting gum on the rug and all the while my mind is running a million miles a minute trying to sort this crazy shit out. Finally I decide to call Van-but he doesn't pick up so I leave him a message like-your crazy baby momma is in my house on my couch watching my TV-I have no idea why or how she got here-HELP!
And then I try to call back but all the sudden she's COMING and she's like I'm gonna go now but I wanna take some pictures of the girls in their new coats first. So I finally get a good look at these "new" coats-and I see that they are exactly the same as their old coats-only a lighter shade of brown. An let me tell you all-the coats she has bought these girls for winter are ridiculous. Not in the dream-I'm talking real life, people. They are PAPER THIN. They were made for a California winter-NOT a chicago winter. They're terrible. They're not ugly or anything. Just not functional at all. So I went and bought them REAL winter coats-like BIG faux down coats with removable fleece liners-cuz thats what you NEED to live here man. It is 19 degrees outside right now-and she's got them running around in a little jacket no thicker than your average sweatshirt. And we just found out they don't even have snowboots-so I guess I'm gonna have to handle that as well.
Anyway-back to the dream-I see these coats are exactly the same as the other ones-and so I say something to her-like they are too thin-they need bigger coats-and she says something about how christmas is right around the corner and winks at me-and as a general rule I HATE when people wink at me-just bad childhood memories and whatnot-but all of the sudden I like, felt, her. So I jump up and grab my new dig cam and I start snapping pictures, and she like, actually, compliments me on the camera, and the girls are fucking CONFUSED because we're getting along-so all the pictures come out fucked up but it doesn't matter. And I walk her to the door and all of the she's not 300 lbs anymore-she's like normal, human size. And her hair isn't all greasy and dull and in that half-ass bun/ponytail thing. It's shiny and gloss and an almost blond color and it's done in this professional looking pretty fauxhawk/ponytail thing. And her face isn't all tired and gray and greasy and all those little bumps are gone and she looks.....NICE. She looks like a decent human being. She looks like a good mom and a nice person. And in that moment, as her entire being changes-so does my perception of her. She's no longer phony or greedy or stupid or untruthful. And then she says something kind and leaves. And two seconds later Van bursts through the door all like, what happened? where is she? what did you do? and I'm trying to describe to him what just happened when all of the sudden someone is knocking on the backdoor. And it's her and she's saying that we can share christmas day and she's being kind to van too and i can tell he is in shock and I want to tell him to invite her to christmas dinner but I can't get the words out b/c her alcoholic husband is there and he no longer looks all beat up and bloated and drunkish-he looks like a decent human being too. Like young, and presentable and not some random piece of inebriated hood trash. And they get in to a car and leave. And then I woke up.
And this dream has me all fucked up now. Cuz I wish it were that simple. I wish it were so easy for people to change from bad to good. But it's not. It's takes years and events and growth and all that good shit. But I wish it could be. Cuz the idea of it all just seems so nice. And I am so not an idealist.....so I can only blame this on exhaustion.