YAY!

My baby is HOME! And I can't believe it. Every 5 minutes I turn to him and I grab him and I go-YOU'RE HERE!!!!!!!
I'm scared I'm hallucinating. I'm scared something really bad happened in the courtroom and I lost my mind and I'm just imagining him to cope-BUT HE'S HERE!!!!
And I'm sososososososososososososososoossoosososososo HAPPY!
Thank you to everyone that supported me with kind words and deeds thru this horrible time. And FUCK YOU to everyone that turned their backs or even made this shit harder than it needed to be. Watch! When you come and ask me for something.....I'll be there cuz thats my nature. I won't abandon you like you abandoned me. But God sees EVERYTHING and you WILL be dealt with.
I get to see my babies today!!!!
My Nina & Jessie are coming over after school and we're gonna play Monopoly all day long!!!!! I love them so much. It's been killing me to be away from my man and my babies. It's makes me want to stop handing my heart out...but I can't. I want to love, and be loved in return. I don't ever wanna go back to the cold hearted bitch I was. THATS NOT ME ANYMORE!!!!
YAY!



P.S. HAPPY 21RST BIRTHDAY JAZZ-I LOVE YOU!

Hate It Or Love It

I've noticed something about most people that know me.
You either love me
or you can't stand my ass.
Why?
I mean thats cool. I'm not trippin. Famous or infamous - ya know my name, right? And thats all any of us want in this life-to be remembered.
But people that go "Ashley....eh." Are rare.

Just so you know your thoughts, inferences, or assumptions about me are never really right. I've been doing this way too long and given a hot minute to search my archives I can come up with the script and play the role so sincere you'll be sick.

So STOP it. Stop tryna talk about me. CUZ you don't know me. You can't. Shut up and let me be your friend-you know you want to. It's so much simpler than tryna figure out this enigma., let me play my nice role and run these lines on you.

But thats just a suggestion.
Just my recommendation.
Nobody says u gotta take it.
But if you don't-how are you ever gonna know the truth?
LMAO. Fucker. I know you want to.

sorry

about the blog before this...it's barely coherent...lol
I was drunk or anything like that...grief is kinda lika a drug in and of itself, ya know?
I was just at home, the baby's sleeping, and the movies over....I'm alone.
And I get pissed, ya know?
How dare he do that shit-> just to get this big ass apartment, for me to wander around and feel lonely in???
I didn't care about it. It didn't matter to me. I squatted with him on a plaaet on the floor-VERLANDER, honey, I didn't care if we had COUCHES!
but I know you did.....
But like I said-I got pissed. I hated the apartment and the couches and the dvd player....cuz like I said-that shit doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is I HAD a family. I HAD a whole little life planned out. I had a hubby and babies that loved me....and now-NOT! ya know?
And I always took care of my mom when she was sick-I had to-who else would.....and I held her...while she convulsed....and all that white shit was pouring out of her mouth....and she was shaking...she was totally naked....and that shock of warmth when she pissed all over me...
DADDY-why was I HOLDING HER! She is YOUR WIFE. WHY couldn't I CALL 911....
I took care of him too...after she left him. And he took us to Loretta's...he was essentially useless. Just drunk and sad all the time. I've never seen my daddy cry so much. He'd cry in my arms, and when he passed out-I'd cover him and go lay down to hold my brothers and sister so they could cry on me too....
Whenever my baby crys I hold her. I kiss her boo-boo and I tell her "I know"
BUT
as much happiness as she brings-she also makes me so sad...
when she points at pictures and goes "dada?" four months is an eternity to a baby.....abd she looks so much like one sister and acts so much like the other one.....see and this is the point where I start bawling...cuz I MISS my babies. I miss them everyday, and I worry, but I know they'll be fine. I prayed to God and asked him to watch them and he said they'd be fine. He gave me that much.
But yeah. I was sad. I was lonely. I felt alone and like I did everything for everybody and was left with no one for myself.....but whatever.
Maybe that's my superpower.....

tired of being that strong person

cuz I'm not. and i wasn't built for this. and i'm fucking tired of not leaning on anyone but i can't bring myself to do it...my pride won't let me.
i wish i had my mother or my father to turn to...just to hold me while i cry...but i don't...
and despite what you may have heard I DO cry
i cry alot
i'm crying right now
i don't want to be a single parent
i don't want to be alone
i want to stop isolating myself for fear of rejection or failure or being taken advantage of...
bACAUSE IT FUCKING HURTSANDI'MALLALONEANDTHISSHITDOESN'TFEELGOODMAN
and i just
i want somebody to hold me
hold me while i cry
and when i'm scared
somebody i can BELIEVE when they say it'll be all right
somebody who'll take care of me
i take care of everyone else-i swear i do
i never turned away from one person that needed me my whole life
i swear
i swear i didn't
i fuckin swear it
god
god, i swear






and i'm not.....
maybe
just maybe i'm not fucking superwoman

shit
fuck



and if you read this don't you dare feel sorry for me just cuz i hurt
thats not fair
NOBODY
EVER
is allowed to feel sorry for me
so if you pity me, right here. right now.
FUCK YOU.