sorry

about the blog before this...it's barely coherent...lol
I was drunk or anything like that...grief is kinda lika a drug in and of itself, ya know?
I was just at home, the baby's sleeping, and the movies over....I'm alone.
And I get pissed, ya know?
How dare he do that shit-> just to get this big ass apartment, for me to wander around and feel lonely in???
I didn't care about it. It didn't matter to me. I squatted with him on a plaaet on the floor-VERLANDER, honey, I didn't care if we had COUCHES!
but I know you did.....
But like I said-I got pissed. I hated the apartment and the couches and the dvd player....cuz like I said-that shit doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is I HAD a family. I HAD a whole little life planned out. I had a hubby and babies that loved me....and now-NOT! ya know?
And I always took care of my mom when she was sick-I had to-who else would.....and I held her...while she convulsed....and all that white shit was pouring out of her mouth....and she was shaking...she was totally naked....and that shock of warmth when she pissed all over me...
DADDY-why was I HOLDING HER! She is YOUR WIFE. WHY couldn't I CALL 911....
I took care of him too...after she left him. And he took us to Loretta's...he was essentially useless. Just drunk and sad all the time. I've never seen my daddy cry so much. He'd cry in my arms, and when he passed out-I'd cover him and go lay down to hold my brothers and sister so they could cry on me too....
Whenever my baby crys I hold her. I kiss her boo-boo and I tell her "I know"
BUT
as much happiness as she brings-she also makes me so sad...
when she points at pictures and goes "dada?" four months is an eternity to a baby.....abd she looks so much like one sister and acts so much like the other one.....see and this is the point where I start bawling...cuz I MISS my babies. I miss them everyday, and I worry, but I know they'll be fine. I prayed to God and asked him to watch them and he said they'd be fine. He gave me that much.
But yeah. I was sad. I was lonely. I felt alone and like I did everything for everybody and was left with no one for myself.....but whatever.
Maybe that's my superpower.....