the woman in the doorway

I tend to be..... very strong in my convictions, to say the least. I rarely flip flop on things-If i can't give a strong opinion on something-i likely won't have one at all.....I'm highly judgmental and openly critical on most things. Arguing with me is mostly a waste of time-cuz I rarely change my mind. Some people despise these qualities-not just in me-but in every person like me. I like them tho. I value a person that has the will to hold their ground-as long as it's solid ground-and not some fairytale concoction based on myths instead of facts. But even though I am thoroughly convinced of every opinion I have formed-and I base my opinions on FACTS and logical reasoning derived from those FACTS....... doesn't mean I'm always right. I'm not always right. I'm right a helluva good percentage of the time-pretty good when you factor in the whole human being thing-but still, not always. And I know it. Don't think I don't know it. Cuz to assume that I am always right would make me a member of the stupid people-and you all know how I feel about them.
So i know I'm not always right. I know this. And this can cause me to doubt myself at times. More times than I'm likely to ever admit-and rarely does this self doubt ever show outwardly. But keep what I've just divulged in mind as I take you on this walk around my mind for a moment.


I love my husband. I love him dearly. And I love him ALWAYS. I may HATE him sometimes. But I love him ALL of the time. And this is one of those I things I never doubt. It is one of those things that won't change. And I don't say this with the naivete of someone being in the firs year "honeymoon" stage of a relationship. I say this after FIVE years and a desire bordering an obsession at times that we have shared-but both held our own pride so high we would not admit it to the other.
I say this after breakups and makeups, fights, blood, sweat, tears, pain, passion, rage, betrayal, loneliness, I say I love him still.......and I always will. So at no time think of this as......."doubt".....of my love for him. It's not. And such a thing does not exist for me.
But there have been times when what kept me from leaving, or what made me come back, or what even made me beg him to stay was not my love for him-but my love and commitment to the children, not just my flesh and blood, ALL of the children. I sometimes wonder what it would do to the woman that birthed them to know that. That tho she blames all the problems that have arisen in the last two years on me and that I know she'd love for me to be out of V's and thus-the twins lives forever-THAT "HER" girls have been then ones to keep us together at times. I think that actually is a bit "ironic".
I know the notion of "staying together for the kids" seems dated and old fashioned and not that "smart" for todays woman. But I believe it should be a factor-at least to some extent. As far as the twins are concerned-they've been thru hell already. They are the most confused children I have ever met. They are secretive and adaptive and easily bruised-despite the act they put on that everything is ok. They are smart-but their potential is degraded b/c they have so many other things to think about and worry over than being a third grader. They are under the impression that they have two daddies and two mommies and about twelves grandmas and that Santa still brings presents for the brother that they lost almost five years ago. They are skeptical when I tell them that they only have ONE mommy and ONE daddy and only one living grandparent on either side. They don't have ANY aunts-but every female that they knows' name has the prefix "ti-ti" attached-and almost every child they know is their "cousin". It's confusion. It's distraction. It's messed up in so many ways-and I don't want to be one to add to that confusion. They've been exposed to their mother and father hurling expletives, insults and accusations at each other so many times. They've watched their mother and their stepfather get into physical altercations.....and I refuse to expose them to any more that harsh whisper between me and my husband-b/c little girls don't need to worry about things like that. they should have memories like that to recall and GOD! i do not want them to grow up and think that it is normal to behave that way. To think that it is OK. Cuz it's not.
And now my own. My own little treasure. The piece of my heart that god took from me and let loose for me to run around and try to protect from the insanities of this world. I DON'T WANT HER TO END UP LIKE THAT. My baby is SMART and she is STRONG and she is OPINIONATED and VOCAL and CONFIDENT and I don't ever want her to lose any of that because of confusion. Because of distraction. I want to allow her to grow up-not force her to.
And here's the part where my opinions come in to play.....
I have judged the twins mother-the jury went out and returned with the verdict-"BAD"
BAD MOTHER
INCOMPETENT PARENT
And I have convinced myself that I am RIGHT. And in comparison to my own personal brand of mothering-I am STILL sure that I am RIGHT. But....I am not blind to the fact that I essentially stole this other womans children. Every child views it's mother as the BEST. Until something is done to challenge this in the child's mind and then the child has a choice to make and an opinion to form and all could be lost. I stole them-and the fact that I am a better cook, or housekeeper, or ouchie kisser doesn't make it ok. Every mother DESERVES the adoration of her children. Unchallenged. And I took that away from her. She now has to compete for the title of "best mommy". And perhaps it's better for the children. But-it's not fair.
She walked them out to the door today. And she hugged them goodbye. And they got into the car with ME. Into the "best car ever" as they have dubbed it. Even tho their mothers has a TV-mine still wins-mostly because it's mine. And she stood in the doorway and had to watch them-HER babies get into the car with ME. She had to. By order of the court she had to watch her kids get in the car and know they are gonna be with someone else they call their "mommy" for the next three days. I saw her.
And I never want that to be ME.
I never want to have to compete for the favor of my own children. I never want to have to watch them go with some person I barely know and CANNOT STAND. And the people that know me well, my dear treasured few friends-would insist that I'm being silly at this point. That in any "mothering" contest-I'd win hands down-as I would in any competition of character. But I did it. I did it to someone else. I watched it happen-I was there-and I am a MOTHER- i will always be a mother. And a mother's biggest fear is the loss of her baby. I can't stand to be away from her now-it worries me to death for her to spend a night away. you think I'd ever hand her over even for a whole weekend?!?!? Even to her father. She's my baby. And I need her.


Ahh. Relief.
sometimes you just gotta let it out.
sometimes you just have to blog about love, and hate, and doubt, and empathy.......
and it's ok
cuz it feels good to get it out