Trini Likes....

What does the birthday girl like?????
As far as characters go-Trini likes;ELMO;DORA;TELETUBBIES;DISNEY PRINCESSES and anything with a dog or kitty on it.
Trini's interests include: Purses, Phones; Dishes; anything that opens and closes; anything her size she can sit on; babies; and again doggies and kitties.
Trini wears a size 7 shoe. 7 1/2 will probly be good if it's something for winter. Trini wears a 3T and 4T tops and 2T and 3T bottoms. Anything too big is still appreciated-cuz she WILL wear it eventually-and anything too smal better be a neutral color-cuz it's going to the baby, lol. She is a big fan of pockets and things that light up-go fig. lol.

Now for what mommy likes......mommy likes all childrens characters-except for the Wiggles cuz they are fuckin weird, and anything BRATZ is unnacceptable cuz they are junior whores.
I like anything "LeapPead" branded cuz that means it's supposed to stimulate her mind-so thats all good. However if you get something that plays nothing but music, loudly, you WILL be placed on my shit list. My parents gave her a toy like that once....and the volume control just HAPPENED to be broken.......assholes. Anyway-I'm not sitting thru "Old McDonald" 300 times a day for you or her. Batteries WILL be lost.
Moving on, as far as clothes go, I don't care where the come from-as long as they're cute! Her father has a thing for K*Swiss, Timbaland, and RocaWear-so if you wanna see him pee himself-you can get her one of those-but most of my friends think like me-"WTF does a baby need brand name stuff for????"
It's about to be September so please, no dresses(yes-I KNOW they're cute) unless they're really big-so she can wear em next year-or really fancy-so she can wear them for the holidays. She doesn't have a winter coat, or gloves, scarf or hat yet. I'm gonna see if she get anything of that nature for her bday-so the rest can match it, lol.
Thats it. Those just ideas in case your stuck. I never know what to get either.
Today I have to rtake the girls to pick something out to give to her-cuz when they came over they saw they pile of presents I had already bought and wrapped for Trin and were like "Oh no! We didn't get her one! Is one of those from us?" and they were very distressed. SO today I'm going to take them to get her one. So they can relax. lol.
See ya'll staurday.

Today I officially strt my first ever vacation from work.
So I'm off for a minute! YESS! I hope to see all my peoples at Trin's dinner on Saturday, cuz she's my first baby, and she's turning into a big kid! I can't freaking believe it. And it's a big day for me too-cuz it's been two years now-since I had a kid and made this ginormous transition from unstopabble party machine to responsible mama. And after then or until then or whatever


so ww can hang out. Ya'll know I tend to be hard to pin down......

My Mom Is Drinking Again

I learned alot from my parents. Like that not everybody should have kids. And I'm not totally knocking them. We always had a roof. We have have never had to stay in a shelter. We always had food. And electricity and hot water. And clothes-maybe they didn't always fit-but they kept us covered and warm.
I learned to have a sense of respnsibility for those around me who were younger or weaker. I learned to change a diaper before I turned five years old and did it regularly.Feeding, changing, just generally caring for babies. I've been doing it for a long time. I learned how to do the laundry when I was nine. Whites, Darks, Colors, delcates, how to measure the soap. When to put the fabric softener in all that stuff. I been doing dishes since I was about seven.....By eleven or twelve I would have to have the enitre house cleaned to my fathers specifications by the time he came home from work. The kids had to be fed. All the dishes washed dried and put away. even the carpet ands sofa vaccummed.
And it doesn't seem strange to me. It was just what had to be done at the time. It seems strange to ask one of the twins to do any of those things. They were never even allowed to hold Trin as a baby. Nevermind changing her-or putting her down for bed. I guess you learn what you have to learn and if someone is depending on you-you just have to rise to the occasion. It's easier when you don't know that what is being expected from you is alot.
I learned never to depend on anyone else. If something needs to be done-you have to do it.
I learned not to depend on people for emotional things either. B/c someone that could be very nice to you one day could turn around the next day and not care about you at all. I learned people will hurt you for almost no reason. Just because they are having a bad day. They will hit you. If they can't hit you they will call you names. They will say you are nothing. That you never mattered to them at all. They will leave you. Crying. On your front porch. Alone. With only your hysterical sister for company b/c they just made her watch the police drag her father away in handcuffs as he calls your name with tears running down his face. What could I do?????? I was thirteen years old??? What could I do??? How could I save him? How could I stop what was happening? How could I fix my mom when she wouldn't even stay for me? SO many times she told me she loved me so much so many times and then she just.....just leaves. Leaves me. Takes my brothers and leaves me and my sister all alone. Why would you do that mom? What was wrong with me? What was wrong with us. I tried. I tried so hard for so long. I got good grades. I had the highest test scores in the school. I ALWAYS HELPED YOU MOM. I was always there for you and everybody else. And you left me. You left me all alone on that porch. You left me all alone in life from then on. Why? Did I deserve that? Did I deserve this? To be the way I am now? Everybody HATES ME MOM. I can't get along with ANYBODY! I can't TRUST anybody. My own HUSBAND thinks I am one of the meanest people he knows. I am SO MUCH LIKE DADDY AND I HATE IT BECAUSE I HATED HIM FOR SO LONG AND NOW I AM EXACTLY LIKE HIM AND IT'S NOT FAIR. I wanted to be like you mom. I wanted to be sweet and kind and loving and corny and cheesy but in all the right places. I wanted my children to adore me and love and cherish me like we did you. WHY COULD YOU TEACH ME THAT? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO FREAK OUT? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO MAKE ME HATE THE PERSON YOU HAVE BECOME SO MUCH? WHY DO I HAVE TO MISS MY MOM???? you did everything for us. you sacraficed so much just for us. and now you are so selfish. it kills me to see you now. i don't know that woman. I wish you were dead sometimes. That way I could remember you the way I want to. Not the way you are. I would have to see you and be disgusted at my own mother. My own mother.Who couldn't even not smoke around her granddaughter-even though I have asked her REPEATEDLY NOT to do so. That hurts. And that pisses me off. If you could have been strong and not gone crazy and not chosen booze over us so MANY times. If I hadn't had to literally drag you in from the corner after you passed out while walking the the dog. If I hadn't had to saty home from Great America while daddy took everyone else just to watch YOU. If I hadn't come home to find so much blood all over the floor and the mud porch and I couldn't find you and I was so scared momma. And when I finally found you you were still drunk. you didn't even know what happened. You didn't even know you need staples. You didn't even know. And if you woulda just been there to help to guide me instead of leaving me to take care of everyone. I wouldn't have gotten kicked out of school I wouldn't have had to go to job corps i coulda went to a good school. You taught me how to read when I was three mom-I'm smart-I coulda went to a good school. I could have graduated and been amking good money and not had a kid till I was ready and not keep dating guys that end up going to jail and I wouldn't have hurt myself and everything would have been ok.
This doesn't change anything. Writing it down. Getting it out doesn't really help. I did cry. Crying feels really good. I hold it in so much. I have have so many other things to worry about. But nothing changes. I still miss you. I still despise you. I still worry what will become of Amber, August and Avery. But I remember-you used to tell me this alot. When something bad happened. When something good happened. You'd always tell me....
Everything happens for a reason.

Stuff About My Fetus

Chances of the Baby's Eye Color:

Heterozygous (More likely)	50% Brown And 50% Hazel
Homozygous (Less Likely)	> 99% Brown

Below is the likelihood of the baby's eye color. Follow both parents' eye color and you find inside the table the likely baby's eye color where both join:

Heterogenous Inheritance (More Likely)

Parent B	Parent A
	Brown	Blue	Green	Hazel
Brown	75% brown	50 / 50	50 / 50	50 / 50
Blue	50 / 50	> 99% blue	50 / 50	50 / 50
Green	50 / 50	50 / 50	> 99% green	50 / 50
Hazel	50 / 50	50 / 50	50 / 50	>99% hazel

Homogenous Inheritance (Less Likely)

Parent B	Parent A
	Brown	Blue	Green	Hazel
Brown	> 99 % brown	> 99% brown	> 99% brown	> 99% brown
Blue	> 99% brown	> 99% blue	50 / 50	50 / 50
Green	> 99 % brown	50 / 50	> 99% green	50 / 50
Hazel	> 99 % brown	50 / 50	50 / 50	>99% hazel

Pre-Pregnancy:			Weight 155 lbs	Height 67 in
Date	Weeks	Weight	+/- From Prior	Total +/-	Weekly Avg.
7/7/2006	10 Weeks	159 lbs	4 lbs	4 lbs	0.4 lbs
8/11/2006	15 Weeks	168 lbs	9 lbs	13 lbs	0.9 lbs

Will it be a Girl or a Boy?

A Chinese Scientist supposedly discovered these data and drew a chart which was buried in a Royal tomb near Peking, China about 700 years ago. You can choose for yourself whether you want a boy or a girl by following the chart. You might also be able to tell in advance whether your baby will be a boy or a girl. The original copy is kept in the Institute of Science of Peking. The accuracy of the chart is not guaranteed by BabyMed.com

STEP 1: Select Month Of Conception: JanFebMarAprMayJunJulAugSepOctNovDec

STEP 2: Select Mother's Age At Time Of Conception: 181920212223242526272829303132333435363738394041424344451819202122232425262728293031323334353637383940414243444518192021222324252627282930313233343536373839404142434445181920212223242526272829303132333435363738394041424344451819202122232425262728293031323334353637383940414243444518192021222324252627282930313233343536373839404142434445181920212223242526272829303132333435363738394041424344451819202122232425262728293031323334353637383940414243444518192021222324252627282930313233343536373839404142434445181920212223242526272829303132333435363738394041424344451819202122232425262728293031323334353637383940414243444518192021222324252627282930313233343536373839404142434445

STEP 3:

---

According to the Chinese Gender Prediction Chart, you should have a Boy.

Maybe I'll school ya

"I try to tell my mom what we do together so we could do it and have fun with her too and she could be happy thats why I told you you could be my real mom cuz I don't think she learned how to be a mom that good."

Bad Press

Damn USA today.

Deaths spur debate about drugs made in pharmacies

Updated 8/7/2006 11:41 PM ET

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Enlarge Family handout Albert Perreault, right, died in March 2004 after undergoing heart surgery at Mary Washington Hospital. His widow, Sue Carol Perreault, left, is suing the hospital and the pharmacy that made the unsterile drugs he was given during surgery.  STERILE STANDARDS The following states have adopted sterile compounding standards: Arkansas Indiana Louisiana Massachusetts Missouri New Mexico Ohio Texas Utah Virginia West Virginia South Carolina Source: USP and USA TODAY research

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By Julie Appleby, USA TODAY

In eight days last summer, the same dangerous inflammation struck three cardiac surgery patients at Mary Washington Hospital within hours of their operations. On Sept. 2, one man died.

The unusual cluster of cases alarmed chief cardiac surgeon John Armitage, who feared a contaminant was in the surgery center. Tests confirmed it: Bacteria were found in a solution injected into patients' hearts during surgery.

The Fredericksburg, Va., hospital shut down its cardiac surgery program the next day and called state health officials, who brought in the Food and Drug Administration and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Within days, the FDA and the CDC confirmed the presence of several types of bacteria in opened and unopened bags of the cardiac surgery solution, a state report later showed.

The hospital later determined that at least 11 cardiac surgery patients were stricken during a 10-month period from the end of December 2004 to September 2005, and three died. The illnesses and deaths drew attention to a practice few patients know about: Some drugs, including high-risk sterile preparations, are made in pharmacies under less-restrictive rules than those that drug companies follow.

LAWSUITS : Families blame contamination for 4 deaths

The troubles at Mary Washington raise questions about the oversight of such pharmacies by hospitals, state regulators and the FDA. Almost all hospital pharmacies do some type of drug making, called compounding, ranging from low-risk procedures, such as adding medications to intravenous solutions, to high-risk work, such as making sterile treatments from scratch.

In most states, hospitals are not required to test the sterility or potency of products made in their own pharmacies or purchased from outside pharmacies. The frequency and thoroughness of state inspections of the pharmacies vary widely, and the FDA's role in oversight is sometimes hampered by questions over whether it has jurisdiction over what generally is a state matter.

Scrutiny of the pharmacy that served Mary Washington and 45 other mid-Atlantic medical facilities set off a cascade of actions: Virginia health officials pegged the contaminated solution as the likely culprit in the cluster of patient illnesses. All injectable medications made by the pharmacy during a six-week period were recalled, the pharmacy lost its Maryland license temporarily, and its parent company received an eight-page letter from the FDA outlining problems in five of its facilities nationwide.

The hospital was cleared to reopen its surgery program two weeks after the testing. The pharmacy, owned by one of the nation's largest such firms, regained its state license in January. But Armitage is still troubled by what he's learned about the oversight of drug-making pharmacies.

"Whose responsibility is it to regulate these companies that are providing products to essentially every major hospital in the country?" Armitage says. "I just don't see how it can be left to the states alone."

Updating rules

Most hospitals in the USA are involved in making drugs, generally because some of the products they need aren't made by commercial drug companies or patients need specific mixtures. Compounded treatments can include chemotherapy drugs, liquid feeding solutions and intravenous solutions.

Before the rise of large drug companies, most prescriptions were made in pharmacies. Now, the National Association of Boards of Pharmacy estimates that pharmacy-made compounds account for 1% to 5% of all prescriptions.

Time pressure, or the cost of having the staff and equipment to mix drugs, leads some hospitals to hire outside pharmacies to make compounded products, including difficult-to-prepare sterile drugs.

In 2003, Mary Washington hired Central Admixture Pharmacy Services (CAPS) in Lanham, Md., to produce a blended cardiac surgery drug called cardioplegia, the hospital says. The solution stops the heart from beating during bypass surgery and must be sterile because it is infused directly into the heart.

CAPS, owned by B. Braun Medical, has 20 locations across the country and supplies 400 medical facilities, according to its website. Its pharmacies make a variety of treatments, including those used to induce labor and treat dialysis patients.

Because of its size, it is one of a few pharmacies that fall under regular FDA oversight, with routine inspections scheduled about every two years. Most pharmacies, even those that make sterile products, are smaller and are overseen by state inspectors, not the FDA.

Rules governing such pharmacies vary by state.

In Maryland, where CAPS has one pharmacy, regulators are updating rules governing preparation of sterile drugs in pharmacies, says John Balch, president of the Maryland Board of Pharmacy.

Despite efforts to beef up oversight of sterile-drug making by pharmacies, only 12 states have adopted new standards set in 2004 by U.S. Pharmacopeia, a non-profit drug-safety organization. Some hospitals have updated their pharmacies to meet the standards, which can mean buying expensive equipment, but many others have not. "This affects most hospitals," says Dale Woodin of the American Society for Health Care Engineering. "All of this is a balance. We're trying to meet patient needs and balance resources."

The standards, a detailed set of rules governing everything from staff training to how to set up a "clean room" to produce sterile drugs, were created partly in response to two separate incidents a few years earlier, when contaminated, pharmacy-made medicines killed three people in California and one in South Carolina.

Revamped rules

Nevada also is revamping its rules. Pharmacy board attorney Louis Ling says the new rules will require any pharmacy making compounded batches of drugs to test them for sterility and potency. Special "clean rooms" and equipment will be required, and employees will have to don protective clothing to make sterile drugs.

"It's going to change everyone's practices," says Ling. "Some (pharmacies) are really close, and some are very good. But nobody in Nevada is fully compliant."

CAPS' website advertises that it meets the new standards, and the company runs programs that teach other pharmacies how to comply with the rules.

But FDA investigators found some of CAPS' facilities falling short of good manufacturing practices.

In March, the FDA sent a letter to B. Braun, CAPS' parent company, outlining problems in five facilities nationwide, including the one in Maryland. Problems ranged from a lack of training in sterile techniques to failing to monitor environmental conditions inside the pharmacies. One Kansas City worker was seen smoking a cigarette outside in his clean-room gown, then, without changing his gown, going back into the area where sterile preparations are made. The firm also failed to confirm that its equipment was properly calibrated.

Tests the FDA ran on unopened bags of the solution CAPS made for Mary Washington late last summer found several types of bacteria, according to a report from the Virginia Department of Health.

"Contaminated cardioplegia solution ... was determined to be the most likely source of the cluster of systemic inflammatory response syndrome" (SIRS) cases at Mary Washington, the health department report says. Another report, from the Maryland pharmacy board, confirms that tests found bacteria but "makes no finding of fact" on any relationship between the contaminated solution and the cluster of injuries and deaths.

The hospital says it is not to blame for the illnesses and deaths.

"With all the information we've received from the department of health, the FDA and our own investigation, we still firmly believe that the severe SIRS cluster in a small number of surgery patients was due to contaminated cardioplegia (solution) and not any fault of the hospital," says Kathleen Allenbaugh, spokeswoman for the 412-bed hospital.

In a written statement provided to USA TODAY, CAPS said it does not have sufficient information to comment on the findings in the Virginia Health Department report. "Before any conclusion can be made in this matter, a review of the entire chain of events, including the handling, storage and administration of the cardioplegia solutions must be completed," the company said. It added that patient safety is its highest priority.

"It has not been determined that any CAPS Lanham products contributed to the tragedy at Mary Washington Hospital," the statement said. "Immediately upon hearing about the issue at this hospital, we voluntarily recalled all types of unused product."

In its statement, CAPS said all its pharmacies are compliant with the new standards and are inspected regularly by the FDA. The company is not currently making cardioplegia solution at Lanham, but it is supplying customers from other facilities, the statement said.

This spring, eight families filed a lawsuit against CAPS and Mary Washington, seeking damages for injuries and deaths they allege resulted from the use of contaminated cardiac solution.

Making safe products

Pharmacists say their products are safe, are requested by doctors for individual patients because no other option exists commercially and are made following sterile-drug-preparation standards.

The International Academy of Compounding Pharmacists, which declined an interview, said in a statement that it supports the 2004 sterile standards and endorses a model set of regulations put forward by the National Association of Boards of Pharmacy.

Critics such as Sarah Sellers, a consulting pharmacist who served on an FDA advisory board on compounding until 2002, say that the standards for sterile-drug preparation are rarely enforced and that some high-risk sterile products should not be made in pharmacies at all. Updating pharmacies to meet the new standards required by some states often involves installing new equipment, such as ventilation systems and clean rooms.

The American Hospital Association says estimates to update facilities range from $50,000 to $1.5 million. The range reflects that some hospitals have already done quite a bit to upgrade facilities, while others may need much work.

Some hospitals and pharmacies have balked at spending money to update, says Eric Kastango of Clinical IQ, a health care consulting company that works with clients that need assistance in sterile compounding and quality systems. "If they're going to do compounding, they have to do it correctly and make the investment," he says.

Higher risks?

Some say the risks when smaller, less-sophisticated hospitals do much of their own sterile compounding may be higher than when outsourcing such work to vendors such as CAPS.

"Sterility is an area that we're very concerned about," says Steve Silverman, acting assistant director at an FDA compliance office. "So we closely monitor firms like CAPS, which train their personnel and have procedures designed to minimize risk. If these firms were to disappear, then sterile compounding likely would return to hospital and local pharmacies that may be less-well-equipped."

Armitage at Mary Washington says he hopes some good comes out of the troubles. New standards would help, he says. Hospitals, he says, should test products they buy from outside vendors for sterility. He and spokeswoman Allenbaugh say that better communication between the FDA and hospitals would help. Hospital officials had to use the Freedom of Information Act to find out what the FDA uncovered in its inspections of CAPS facilities.

Since reinstatement of Mary Washington's heart program, there have not been any unusual clusters of the inflammatory syndrome, Allenbaugh says.

The hospital now makes its own cardioplegia solution. Says Armitage: "What we don't use that day, we throw away."

Cuz I Should Be Mopping R/N

 
   
 
 
   
 
 
   
 
 
   
 
 
   
 

Hello       My name is

Ash

I am

admirer, adorant, adult, ally, animal lover, ask me, babe, beautiful, big sister, bisensual, bisexual, bitch, blessed, both, caring, chick, child, complex, confused, cousin, daughter, different, dreamer, dude, dunno yet, eclectic, either, etc., everything, extrovert, female, flirt, Green, goddess, human, indecisive, individual, intelligent, introvert, kinky, lost, lovely, lover, loving, macho, mama, me, minx, miss, mommy, mother, ms., multifacetted, myself, neither, niece, none of the above, not sure of others, nothing, obsessed, odd, other, parent, passionate, person, princess, pro-choice, quiet, quirky, random, sassy, self-defined, sensitive, sexy, she-geek, shy, simple, snuggly, strange, survivor, sweet, undecided, undefined, unique, whatever, whole-brained, wife, woman, XXXX

Who are you?

Ode To Trin Vol. 1

My first baby is gonna be two in less than a month. *sniffle* I don't even know what to do with myself. Everyday she is less of a baby and more of a child. I am happy but at the same time very sad. Here are some moments from the last two years.

Trin and Grandpa

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

Trins first go in her new walker

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

Baby Trins Eating Habits

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

Thank goodness for the internet.
In this way I can immortalize her and keep her little forever.

Ode To Trin Vol. 1

My first baby is gonna be two in less than a month. *sniffle* I don't even know what to do with myself. Everyday she is less of a baby and more of a child. I am happy but at the same time very sad. Here are some moments from the last two years.

Trin and Grandpa

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

Trins first go in her new walker

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

Baby Trins Eating Habits

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

Thank goodness for the internet.
In this way I can immortalize her and keep her little forever.

Mighty, Mighty Aphrodite

Your Glamour Icon Is

Beauty is an ecstasy; it is as simple as hunger.

What Glamour Icon Best Represents You?

Your Ideal Marriage Proposal Is

New Years, at the crack of midnight, under a windstorm of confetti.

What's Your Ideal Marriage Proposal?

You're Confident...Sometimes

You can seem confident when the occasion calls for it But inside you may be experiencing a bit of self doubt A little more inner confidence could take you far... And convince others that you're as confident as you try to seem

    Are You Confident?

You Are Aphrodite!

A total shining star with a ton of admirers And no wonder: you live life to the fullest! When things get bad, you can easily take off to a happier place But occasionally, you need to deal with problems head on

What Goddess Are You?

You are Aphrodite! This goddess had control over both immortals and mortals, making her a very powerful being. You are probably very, very attractive physically, and have a special talent with attracting boys. (You might not realize this, however) Aphrodite fell in love with Ares, the god of war, so maybe you prefer tough guys to the regulars? (By the way, just because you are Aphrodite doesn't make you a slut, in case anyone was wondering) Role- goddess of love and beauty Symbols- dolphins, doves, swans, apples, myrtle, rose and lime trees... and of course, naked beauty. Story- One of the most famous stories of Aphrodite includes an apple, Paris, and two other goddesses. See, Aphrodite and the other goddesses were fighting over the apple because it was supposed to be given to the most beautiful goddess of all. So, they called on Paris, a handsome prince, to decide who deserves the apple. Each of the three goddesses promise something appealing to Paris, but it is Aphrodite's promise that wins him over. She promised to give him the most beautiful woman in the world...which would be Helen. And you've probably heard of the whole Trojan war, so I won't go into all that. __________________________________ I worked my butt off on this quiz! It took me forever to create it, and it only takes a second to rate it!

1581 times, 17%

Him Hate Her

Where am.....what planet am I on.....Seriously. I feel that lost. I have been crying since last night around 7....I breaked only to sleep. I don't know what to do. I don't know where I am.......I just wish God would help me a little here. Me and Van are so.....over. He hates me. Hates everything about me. Called me selfish, phony, and a whore....and that was all just last night. I don't know what to do. Where to go from here. I know we're over....but I don't wanna let go. We have a kid together and one on the way....and if we break up I'll never see the girls again and I loove them so much....it's not fair. But it's the only option. There is no coming back. He's said some of the most hurtful things that have ever been said to me since he got out and he never apologizes for them. He really means them.I hurts me so much that someone I love that much wants to hurt me so bad. I know it's over. But breaking up is too hard when you live togehter. Everything belongs to somebody.I'm not prepared for a move right now. This sux man he was supposed to be the one this was supposed to be forever but god is showing me that this can't work and it's time to go but i can't, i just can't but i can't keep this up and i can't keep crying this is gonna drive me insane...................i'm gonn end up just like my mother. God-please help me, please, please, please. I've been praying all night. Help me. How me which way to go. Tell me what to do. Please.
He's gonna hate me for posting this on the internet too. But I can't talk to him about it. Thats too....selfish? to tell him about how I'm feeling right now b/c he's hurting too and we should focus on fixing that...but I can't cuz I'm really hurting too.
Verlander-
I am so sorry. I don't know what I did in this life or another to mke you feel the way you do about me. I'm sorry I've made you hate me.I'm sorry for being selfish, and phony, and hard to understand, and immature....and I'm not cheating on you. This isn't over some guy. I don't know why you always think thats it. Sometimes I wish there were....at least then we'd have a concrete reason for our problems. But theres not. I love you. And I hate to see you hurt. I don't know why my hurting causes nothing but indifference from you. Everything about me that you complain about I change. Not overnight-but I do change it. And everytime I do-you hate something new about me....what am I supposed to do? I'm lost. I'm sorry.
I don't know what will happen to us. But know that I love you now, and I always did. Even if you don't feel the same-it's still the truth.



Theres so much more I want to get out but it's just more of the same. More pain and hurt and frustrationsb/c theres no good reason for it to be this bad. I'm gonna go pray some more. It's all I can do.