Him Hate Her

Where am.....what planet am I on.....Seriously. I feel that lost. I have been crying since last night around 7....I breaked only to sleep. I don't know what to do. I don't know where I am.......I just wish God would help me a little here. Me and Van are so.....over. He hates me. Hates everything about me. Called me selfish, phony, and a whore....and that was all just last night. I don't know what to do. Where to go from here. I know we're over....but I don't wanna let go. We have a kid together and one on the way....and if we break up I'll never see the girls again and I loove them so much....it's not fair. But it's the only option. There is no coming back. He's said some of the most hurtful things that have ever been said to me since he got out and he never apologizes for them. He really means them.I hurts me so much that someone I love that much wants to hurt me so bad. I know it's over. But breaking up is too hard when you live togehter. Everything belongs to somebody.I'm not prepared for a move right now. This sux man he was supposed to be the one this was supposed to be forever but god is showing me that this can't work and it's time to go but i can't, i just can't but i can't keep this up and i can't keep crying this is gonna drive me insane...................i'm gonn end up just like my mother. God-please help me, please, please, please. I've been praying all night. Help me. How me which way to go. Tell me what to do. Please.
He's gonna hate me for posting this on the internet too. But I can't talk to him about it. Thats too....selfish? to tell him about how I'm feeling right now b/c he's hurting too and we should focus on fixing that...but I can't cuz I'm really hurting too.
Verlander-
I am so sorry. I don't know what I did in this life or another to mke you feel the way you do about me. I'm sorry I've made you hate me.I'm sorry for being selfish, and phony, and hard to understand, and immature....and I'm not cheating on you. This isn't over some guy. I don't know why you always think thats it. Sometimes I wish there were....at least then we'd have a concrete reason for our problems. But theres not. I love you. And I hate to see you hurt. I don't know why my hurting causes nothing but indifference from you. Everything about me that you complain about I change. Not overnight-but I do change it. And everytime I do-you hate something new about me....what am I supposed to do? I'm lost. I'm sorry.
I don't know what will happen to us. But know that I love you now, and I always did. Even if you don't feel the same-it's still the truth.



Theres so much more I want to get out but it's just more of the same. More pain and hurt and frustrationsb/c theres no good reason for it to be this bad. I'm gonna go pray some more. It's all I can do.