My Mom Is Drinking Again

I learned alot from my parents. Like that not everybody should have kids. And I'm not totally knocking them. We always had a roof. We have have never had to stay in a shelter. We always had food. And electricity and hot water. And clothes-maybe they didn't always fit-but they kept us covered and warm.
I learned to have a sense of respnsibility for those around me who were younger or weaker. I learned to change a diaper before I turned five years old and did it regularly.Feeding, changing, just generally caring for babies. I've been doing it for a long time. I learned how to do the laundry when I was nine. Whites, Darks, Colors, delcates, how to measure the soap. When to put the fabric softener in all that stuff. I been doing dishes since I was about seven.....By eleven or twelve I would have to have the enitre house cleaned to my fathers specifications by the time he came home from work. The kids had to be fed. All the dishes washed dried and put away. even the carpet ands sofa vaccummed.
And it doesn't seem strange to me. It was just what had to be done at the time. It seems strange to ask one of the twins to do any of those things. They were never even allowed to hold Trin as a baby. Nevermind changing her-or putting her down for bed. I guess you learn what you have to learn and if someone is depending on you-you just have to rise to the occasion. It's easier when you don't know that what is being expected from you is alot.
I learned never to depend on anyone else. If something needs to be done-you have to do it.
I learned not to depend on people for emotional things either. B/c someone that could be very nice to you one day could turn around the next day and not care about you at all. I learned people will hurt you for almost no reason. Just because they are having a bad day. They will hit you. If they can't hit you they will call you names. They will say you are nothing. That you never mattered to them at all. They will leave you. Crying. On your front porch. Alone. With only your hysterical sister for company b/c they just made her watch the police drag her father away in handcuffs as he calls your name with tears running down his face. What could I do?????? I was thirteen years old??? What could I do??? How could I save him? How could I stop what was happening? How could I fix my mom when she wouldn't even stay for me? SO many times she told me she loved me so much so many times and then she just.....just leaves. Leaves me. Takes my brothers and leaves me and my sister all alone. Why would you do that mom? What was wrong with me? What was wrong with us. I tried. I tried so hard for so long. I got good grades. I had the highest test scores in the school. I ALWAYS HELPED YOU MOM. I was always there for you and everybody else. And you left me. You left me all alone on that porch. You left me all alone in life from then on. Why? Did I deserve that? Did I deserve this? To be the way I am now? Everybody HATES ME MOM. I can't get along with ANYBODY! I can't TRUST anybody. My own HUSBAND thinks I am one of the meanest people he knows. I am SO MUCH LIKE DADDY AND I HATE IT BECAUSE I HATED HIM FOR SO LONG AND NOW I AM EXACTLY LIKE HIM AND IT'S NOT FAIR. I wanted to be like you mom. I wanted to be sweet and kind and loving and corny and cheesy but in all the right places. I wanted my children to adore me and love and cherish me like we did you. WHY COULD YOU TEACH ME THAT? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO FREAK OUT? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO MAKE ME HATE THE PERSON YOU HAVE BECOME SO MUCH? WHY DO I HAVE TO MISS MY MOM???? you did everything for us. you sacraficed so much just for us. and now you are so selfish. it kills me to see you now. i don't know that woman. I wish you were dead sometimes. That way I could remember you the way I want to. Not the way you are. I would have to see you and be disgusted at my own mother. My own mother.Who couldn't even not smoke around her granddaughter-even though I have asked her REPEATEDLY NOT to do so. That hurts. And that pisses me off. If you could have been strong and not gone crazy and not chosen booze over us so MANY times. If I hadn't had to literally drag you in from the corner after you passed out while walking the the dog. If I hadn't had to saty home from Great America while daddy took everyone else just to watch YOU. If I hadn't come home to find so much blood all over the floor and the mud porch and I couldn't find you and I was so scared momma. And when I finally found you you were still drunk. you didn't even know what happened. You didn't even know you need staples. You didn't even know. And if you woulda just been there to help to guide me instead of leaving me to take care of everyone. I wouldn't have gotten kicked out of school I wouldn't have had to go to job corps i coulda went to a good school. You taught me how to read when I was three mom-I'm smart-I coulda went to a good school. I could have graduated and been amking good money and not had a kid till I was ready and not keep dating guys that end up going to jail and I wouldn't have hurt myself and everything would have been ok.
This doesn't change anything. Writing it down. Getting it out doesn't really help. I did cry. Crying feels really good. I hold it in so much. I have have so many other things to worry about. But nothing changes. I still miss you. I still despise you. I still worry what will become of Amber, August and Avery. But I remember-you used to tell me this alot. When something bad happened. When something good happened. You'd always tell me....
Everything happens for a reason.