if we pass on the street don't cause a ruckus cuz i don't like fusses

My biggest "pet peeve" is stupid people. It just is. I can't stand them and have no sympathy for them. I mean-ok- not everyone's IQ is gonna be as high as mine-this I understand. Not everyone is going to enjoy learning as much as I do-or have the vocabulary that I do. I accept this.
But I refuse to accept people that revel in their own ignorance like some cheap cologne. I cannot stand people who accept word of mouth for facts and live by old wives tales with seeking any information to back it up as truth. I cannot stand people who ROUTINELY GO AGAINST THAT WHICH IS LOGICAL SIMPLY BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO STUPID TO FOLLOW BASIC RATIONALE.
I am not a totally intolerant person. I have friends from EVERY background you can think of-born and raised any and everywhere-from indigent to affluent-I know these people and I GET ALONG with them. I get along with someone that comes from totally opposite circumstances and viewpoints than myself. But I CANNOT even carry on a less than condescending conversation with someone who is not of comparable intelligence with me. My husband, he can. I don't know how-but he can. He grew up in this mad niggerish neighborhood and I grew up on the north side-so maybe that's it. Some of his friends owe half their vocabulary to his influence. before me-he never dated a girl he didn't think was beneath him in the brainpower department-he thought that they didn't exist. I don't understand that. How can you be with someone and have conversations and jokes with someone that can't keep up with where you are going?????
I just can't do it!
And I'm not talking about people that just can't type, or can't spell perfectly, or don't know every synonym for every word so they use the same ones frequently. That HARDLY makes you stupid.
What makes you stupid is that you don't know that you are. When you try to insult someone via written communication and spell the word "bitch" "b-i-t-s-h"-you are stupid. Cuz that's not a typo. "c" and "s" and not next to each other on the keypad-and you don't insult someone with words you don't know-so you genuinely believed that that was the correct spelling of the word. And that is SUCH a COMMON word that it also means that you haven't read anything since roughly fourth grade. And not to break your heart or anything-but the spelling and grammar rules do get a little more complex from there on.
When you use words-with authority and confidence-that aren't REALLY words like "glangs" or "supplementals". You are stupid. Whatever definition you attach to these words is yours alone because they don't exist in any dictionary-not even one exclusively for slang. So NOBODY GETS WHAT YOU'RE SAYING BUT YOU-AND THE STUPID SHEEP THAT FOLLOW YOU.
When you change FACTS to support whatever point you are trying to make-you are STUPID. And I'm not talking about a difference of opinion of different views on the same subject or even one particular event recalled different ways I'm talking about a problem (i.e...."the ball is lost") and the question ("why is the ball lost?") and a reason ("the room is messy") from this particular set of circumstances we can use logic and inference a solution (i.e....to find the ball-one must clean the room) ALL ATTEMPTS AT LOGICAL SOLUTIONS ARE THWARTED WHEN YOU THEN CHANGE THAT WHICH WAS PREVIOUSLY KNOW TO BE FACT ("the room is clean") THE WHERE IS THE BALL AND WHY IS IT LOST?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!?! Nobody wants to be wrong but godammit-nothing can ever be solved unless you stop trying to wiggle on to the winning side of things! That's why Kerry lost.
You are stupid if you DON'T TRY AND KNOW BETTER. I'm not saying you HAVE to know better-but you've got to be open to LEARNING.
Doctors, lawyers, pharmacists, surgeons go to school for MANY, MANY YEARS and then once they graduate-they still never stop taking workshops, and seminars, and READING-because you can never know it all, and if you want to truly help someone, you need to be as well informed as possible.
You are stupid if you believe that keeping your hair in a ponytail will prevent lice. That's JUST FUCKING RIDICULOUS. I'm sorry. I had to tell you.
you're stupid if you blindly believe in old wives tales like that one without ever questioning why. And if you do question and the answer is I DON'T KNOW than your faith is in the wrong place.
aHHHH.
I'm sorry. I know I have a ton of people who faithfully read my blogs and I truly appreciate the attention, but I had to vent. I had to get it out before I had some kind of aneurysm.

I just have one more thing I'd like to get out there.
And it just.....it needs to be said.
Because I'm defining the word "COWARD" for all readers right here.
All those times I called you to talk. Offered to come out of my way and go over there. Peacefully. And you threatened to call the cops. Like a little bitch. And now I reasonably make a request for that which belongs TO ME and all of the sudden you threaten my life and my baby's? That is a fucking coward. B/c I have been WAY more up your ass than I am now and you ran. You didn't confront a thing. But I'm eight months pregnant and suddenly you want to box? Coward. Thats are tons of other words that describe you-but this suits you the most right now. And trust-I am extremely protective of my offspring-so while my priority right now is to protect them from your cowardly ass-the time will come when I am no longer pregnant. And then will be my time to defend them. And I'll tell you right now-I fear no man, or more appropriately in this instance, beast-so whenever you're feeling "confident" again-I'll be waiting. I guarantee it.

This Is For Amber, August, and Avery-as it has always been......

(bout that time...........)




Standing at the machine every day for all my life
I'm used to do it and I need it
It's the only thing I want
It's just a rush, push, cash

Standing at the machine every day for all my life
I'm used to do it and I need it
It's the only thing I want
It's just a rush, push, cash

Standing at the machine every day for all my life
I'm used to do it and I need it
It's the only thing I want
It's just a rush, push, cash

N'est-ce pas

I know you think I'm crazy and I ask you all the same
I know you're just an asshole
I wanna dance with you, that's my way in curse

Everybody need somebody
Sometimes sometimes
Everybody free somebody
Sometimes sometimes

I know you're made of steel
You gotta dance that's all I feel
I know you're the one, so please please please come on
I know you're gonna feel to be
To gonna dance with me and need no fear
I wanna see you dance, you're gonna follow me
And please don't leave me alone
Make up your mind, I'm not the kind
Of scared to use a bow

N'est-ce pas
Everybody need somebody
Sometimes

Standing at the machine every day for all my life
I'm used to do it and I need it
It's the only thing I want
It's just a rush, push, cash

Everybody free somebody
Sometimes sometimes

Standing at the machine every day for all my life
I'm used to do it and I need it
It's the only thing I want
It's just a rush, push, cash

Standing at the machine every day for all my life
I'm used to do it and I need it
It's the only thing I want
It's just a rush, push, cash

N'est-ce pas

ogoddamit

Wtf am I supposed to do now!?!?!
She's suing us. The greasy one is suing us.
Unfuckingbelievable.
WE DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY. I don't know wtf she expects to get outta this-we don't have any money for her. And now we need a lawyer and we don't have any money for that. And now i"m never gonna be ableto take any kind of break from work. GOD! wtf! What the hell is going on???? There are so many insane things going on right now-so much to worry about. I can't take it. I just wanted happy holidays, a nice baby shower, and then a healthy baby. Instead I get a father with failing organs, drunken mistakes, and LOSING my babies. And now. A lawsuit. I'm not the kinda person to ask "why?" in these situations-it's a useless question. The question I do pose to God and whoever else out there is listening is "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?" I can't even pick up OT at the job-I'm already having enough swelling issues as it is. I can't get a loan. Nobody will loan me anything. None of my credit cards even have a LIMIT of a thousand dollars. Fuck. This is stressful. WHy do I have to be pregnant right now? I feel so limited b/c of it. I don't have any idea of what I'd doif I wasn't but still-it feels like a limiting factor. Omg. and you know what people keep telling me "Don't stress yourself out." ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!
I AM STRESSED. I AM WORRIED. THIS WHOLE THING CANNOT BE REAL.
My stupid check engine light is on and my car is making funny noises. I can't afford that. This entire episode could send V right back to jail! Jessie is sick and heifer wont tell us whats wrong with her. I don't know man. I'm lost. I'm so lost r/n.
Well. We're having a blowout here at Casa De Thompkins. Anything you want-just name a price-it's for sale. And if anyone wants a 05 dodge grend caravan-thats for sale too. And if anyone wants my firstborn son-nevermind. This one is not for sale.

Rethinking My Postion

Man, yesterday was AWFUL!
I was so sick-like near death flulike symptoms, everything hurts, I'm dying help me sick. While everyone else is pigging out and leftover ham and cornbread and taters and PIE-I'm tryna choke down ramen noodles and gatorade.
And then to make matters worse-mid-afternoon, I start having lovely contractions. God-I for got how much those things HURT. Or course I did. your body makes you forget. there is no way you'd ever do it again if you could clearly recall that agony. Van is all like call your midwife-but I know better. They're regular-but they're an hour apart. So NOT anywhere near active labor. But as the end of each hour approaches-GOD-I am DYING. I'm so scared. I'm just like I don't want to have another contraction!!!!!!!!! And then another one rips through me. And I'm thinking what the hell is wrong with me??? This was a bad idea. And a worse idea is to try and do this naturally-why would anyone do that? What made me think I could do that?!?!?!?! I finally passed out in the ball of pain and hunger and sickness and confusion around midnight. But this morning-which brings with it a slight relief from the illness of yesterday and THANKFULLY no contractions-also brings with it a clarity-I AM SO GETTING THAT GODDAMNED EPIDURAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And V says no, you can do it natural. You got through last night didn't you?
And I'm trying to convey to him that last night was NOTHING compared to whats to come.
SO yeah.
i've totally rethought my birth plan.....lol

Magic

Also-yesterday we put up the tree. Well Van and the twins put up the tree. I supervised. And it was Trin's naptime. They did a wonderful job, of course.
When Trin woke up from her nap-I brought her into the front to the sight of the fully lit tree. And my little turtle gave this totally unstaged gasp of amazment.
The rest of us sat around and watched MI-3. But my baby could not take her eyes off the marvel of the tree. She stared at it. She walked around it. She danced around it with such passion, I expected the sky to open up and rain presents around her. At one point she fell to her knees and started bowing at the tree-I shit you not. She wanted to touch each and every ornament. not rip down, or play with, or destroy-just touch. She walked around and carefully picked up each bulb between her thumb and forefinger. She carefully inspected her reflection in each of the silver ones-and then grunted her approval before moving on. She reached, stretched, and then tried to jump to reach the taller branches. I, sickly as I was, could not sit idlly by-I summoned all of my strength to get up and lift my baby so she could continue her inspection. Her hands stoppped at the skirt of the angel. An almost imperceptible "oooo" escaped her lips-I looked at her, my baby, in the glow of the bulbs, the angel reflected in her giant eyes.......this was not her first Christams. Her third, on the contrary. But it WAS. It was her seeing it for the first time. Seeing the beauty of the tree and being MOVED by it. Being AWED. Being unjaded, or biased by movies and commercialism, or opinion or stories, or even memories and just seeing CHRISTMAS for the first time. It was magic.
And I feel so lucky to have her-and to have seen it as she saw it-because SHE moved ME.

I love you baby.

So effing pissed....you have no idea

I just found out that my parents commited my little brother......AGAIN.
AND NOBODY FUCKING TOLD ME.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS. THIS IS BULLSHIT.
HE IS NOT "CLINICALLY DEPRESSED" HE IS NOT FUCKING "BIPOLAR" OR "SUICIDAL" OR ANY OF THOSE THINGS.
HE'S JUST A KID WITH A FUCKED UP HOMELIFE-AND IT WITH YOUR HEAD. I KNOW. I WAS THERE. AND I DIDN'T NEED THE MEDS. AND NEITHER DOES HE. AND HE DEFINATELY DOES NOT NEED TO SPEND ANOTHER FUCKING HOLIDAY LOCKED UP. BECAUSE AS SOON AS I ESCAPED FROM THAT LOONY BIN AND FOUND MY OWN NORMALCY-I WAS-I AM F.I.N.E.
AND I JUST WANTED A NICE THANKSGIVING WITH MY BROTHERS AND MY SISTER AND THIS BULLSHIT JUST FUCKED ME ALL UP. AND I HATE MY PARENTS! I HATE THEM-HE'S JUST A KID-THEY ALL ARE-AND THEY ARE GOOD KIDS AND THEY ARE RUINING THEM. THEY ARE GONNA ENTER SOCIETY ALL FUCKED UP. I SURROUND MY SELF WITH ENOUGH LOVE AND ENOUGH SANITY TO FEEL NORMAL AND HAPPY AND GOOD-NO MATTER HOW FUCKED SHIT GETS.......MY BROTHERS AND MY SISTER.........I DON'T KNOW IF THEY'LL KNOW ENOUGH TO TRY.....OR IF THEY'RE TOO FAR GONE TO SAVE.
AND I JUST WANT MY BROTHER TO BE OK.
I LOVE YOU AVERY.
I MISS YOU.
I'M SORRY.

Week 30-Doesn't This Sound Like Fun?

Week 30 A: You are currently in Week 30 (29 weeks and 3 days) Only 10 more weeks until your baby arrives. Until then you can expect some of the following things to occur. Common 3rd Trimester Questions: Terms To Know Insomnia Traveling Having a Doula Birth Choices Cord Blood Banking Swelling Mucus Plug Kick Counts Leg Cramps Signs of Labor Premature Labor Braxton Hicks Stages of Labor False Labor What changes are occurring with your body? You may begin noticing that you become tired easily during this last part of pregnancy. This may be especially true if you are having difficulty sleeping at night. Some women are able to experiment with different sleeping positions that make sleep a little easier. If you are suffering from insomnia and it is becoming increasingly worse, you may want to consult with your healthcare provider. During this later part of pregnancy you may also experience mood swings. Some of you may have experienced this in the earlier part of pregnancy as well. Your body is producing a number of different hormones that can cause your joints to become looser. This may result in your feet actually getting larger. Some women report that their feet grow one shoe size during their pregnancy. This is normally a permanent change.* How big is your baby? Your baby has now grown to be 14 ¾ inches long and weighs about 3 pounds.* What is happening with your baby? As your baby continues to grow, he/she takes up a larger portion of your uterus. You may not feel that your body can handle your growing baby, but it will compensate by allowing your uterus to extend underneath your rib cage. Your baby's eyes are becoming more mature, and now he/she can tell the difference between light and dark. Babies at 30 weeks can even follow a light source with their eyes. Once your baby is born, he/she will spend a great deal of time with their eyes closed. This is completely normal. Newborns only have the ability to focus on objects a few inches from their face. While "normal" adult vision is 20/20, a newborn's vision is 20/400.* What should you plan for this week? You have approximately 10 weeks left in your pregnancy. Now is the time to begin thinking about the different kinds of pain relief options that will be available to you when you deliver. Not only should you talk to your healthcare provider about the different options, but also research the different techniques so that you can make an informed decision. The following briefly describe some of the available options: Natural childbirth- includes the Alexander Technique, the Bradley Method, Hypnosis, Lamaze, and Water Birth. Local anesthesia- includes pudendal block, spinal block, and an epidural. General anesthesia- not commonly used during labor and delivery due to a complete loss of sensation and consciousness. Narcotics- commonly used in labor for women who are looking for a less invasive form of pain relief. The goal of narcotics is to reduce anxiety and help a woman cope with contractions. Patterned Breathing- refers to the various types of breathing at specific rates and depths to allow the woman to become more calm and relaxed. Relaxation Techniques for Labor- used in addition to any of the above interventions to incorporate all the senses. Tips for making your pregnancy better: Many women during this stage of pregnancy report an increasing number of backaches. This is very much related to weight gain and the baby's growth. If you are experiencing back pain, you may want to evaluate your posture. Proper posture can alleviate the back pain that you are experiencing. It may take some effort to change these habits, but it will be worth it if your back pain goes away. Tips for mom's partner: ..x 10px 0pt;" src="http://www.americanpregnancy.org/40weeks/images/week30/partner.jpg" align="left"> Your partner has been able to feel the baby move for quite some time. By 30 weeks you should also be able to feel the baby move. Make some time for you and your partner to be together so that you can rest your hand on her stomach in order to feel the baby move. Sharing these moments together will not only help you with the bonding process between you and your baby, but it will also allow you to spend some special time with your partner. Last Updated: 08/2006 Things to Check Out: CorCell, Inc. Saving Baby's Cord Blood Learn what every parent should know about umbilical cord blood preservation. Recommended Reading: The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth.. The Birth Partner, Second Edition.. The Baby Book: Everything You Need to Know About Your Baby from Birth to Age Two (Revised and Updated Edition).. The Ultimate Breastfeeding Book of Answers : The Most Comprehensive Problem-Solution Guide to Breastfeeding from the Foremost Expert in North America.. Simply Parenting: Understanding Your Newborn And Infant (Simply Parenting).. * The information that the American Pregnancy Association provides is used as a general guide for healthy pregnancy development, although development may vary due to the mother's health or a miscalculation of ovulation. Each woman and pregnancy is unique and may be experienced differently. Remember that babies develop at different rates, even before they are born. The purpose of this developmental information is to give you a general idea of how your baby is growing, and you must remember that your baby's growth may vary from that which is outlined. Newsletter provided by: The American Pregnancy Association 1425 Greenway Dr. Suite #440 · Irving, Texas 75038 The American Pregnancy Association is a non-profit organization incorporated in the State of Texas operating under Taxpayer No. 32-0072669. Your are subscribed as msavwilliams@yahoo.com. If you no longer wish to receive this newsletter, you may unsubscribe here. © 2005-2006 American Pregnancy Association. All rights reserved.

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Child Support Reform

Je t'aime, toujours

I would never normally go bowling
On a friday morning in New Orleans
But I like to come here to remember
The kind of places you took me
Like the time we stole a Datsun
And drove all night to the everglades
Until we crashed it in a big electric storm
And stood there listening to the bayou rain

The county sheriff had a hair - lip
Louisiana's pride and joy
He said politley as he cuffed me
"I never busted an English boy ...
But I will accept a contribution
To the Opelousas' Charity Ball
But you better drive this dirty Datsun
Into the Gulf of Mexico"

Under a Cajun moon I lay me open
There is a spirit here that won't be broken
Some words are sad to sing
Some leave me tongue-tied
(But the hardest thing to tell you )
But the hardest words I know
Are I love you goodbye
I love you goodbye

Typhoon Pierre delayed my plane till morning
(Jusqu'au matin)
Let the bontemps rouler from your accordion
(L'accordien)
Under a cajun moon I lay me open
(Y a un esprit partout)
There is a spirit here that won't be broken
(Simple words are sad to sing
Some words are sad to sing
(They leave me tongue-tied)
Some leave you tongue-tied
(But the hardest thing to tell you my friend)
But the hardest words I know
(Is I love you goodbye)
Are I love you goodbye
(Je t'aime, au revoir)
I love you goodbye
(Je t'aime, toujours)
I love you, goodbye

And so....

God, i'm tired. Arguing with silly, stupid people can really be draining. Anyway. I just want you to imagine a hypothetical here for me. Imagine you have a kid. If you already-there's really no stretch there, huh? but anyway-imagine your kid has older siblings. But these kids are NOT your kids. But they are your kids older siblings and therefore you kid looks up to them and will their whole life. Your kid will imitate these kids attitude, style, EVERYTHING. So even if you're able not to become emotionally involved or dependent on these other kids-and not particularly care about the fairness in their lives or well being......don't you HAVE to-for the sake of your own kid? If you know these kids come from filth and ignorance and pain and bitterness-wouldn't you try to influence that-if not for their sake(b/c u simply refuse to care)but for the sake of your own child?
I don't know if I have made any sense right here....honestly I don't. The words swim before my tired eyes. I'm trying to make a point.....I just....am not exactly sure how to get you all to see whay I'm tryna say. See why I care IN THE SLIGHTEST-much less to the FULL extent I do.
I am the oldest of four. I have four years on my younger sister. By the time she was four and i was eight-she was a walking, talking parrot of me. There are videos of her just walking behind me and repeating word for word everything I say. She would try and follow in my steps, literally, step exactly where I would step. She'd steal and try to wear ALL my clothes-even tho they were FAR too big for her. My brothers weren't quite as extreme but-for the most part-the movies they like, the music the listen to,just like my sister-were influenced by ME. Not my mother or my father-I was and to an extent still am, the biggest influence in my younger siblings lives. I went to Lane Tech I went cuz it was big and it seemed cool and it was the ONLY place I applied to...so there ya go. My brother and my sister BOTH applied to Lane as their FIRST choice-for no other reason than the fact that I went there.
I know first hand how big of an influence an older sibling has on a younger one........and I know how much my booboo adores her older sisters.....and regardless of every other factor I got going on with this mayhem that is stepmotherhood......that alone is reason enough to care and to influence and inspire and DEMAND change.

Ugh, god, I feel like garbage

Man.
I hate children.
And old people.
Damn carriers of disease.
Trins been sick since wednesday. Nina came over here on Friday sick.
And now. Here I am. Sick as a dog. The only thing I that'll relieve what ails me most is pregnancy class C and I hate to gamble. Especially with the well being of my firstborn son.........we'll see how long I can hold off on that one.
I was up from like 4 till 5:30 just cuz I felt so icky I couldn't sleep. My misery woke V up and he laid and watched Fun with Dick and Jane with me till I fell asleep.
I had a horrible dream. I'll spare ya'll the details....but essentially I was leaving V-and he didn't care.
Let me explain why this is so horrible to me. More horrible than monsters and demons out for my blood.
Both my parents are alcoholics. My mom claims she's a "recovering alcoholic"-but you can't be "recovering" if you're still totally in the grip of your disease. Am I right?
Anyway, when my mom was sober-she was supermom. She did everything. Took us to museums and parks and the zoo, made delicious and filling meals, and worked six days a week. She cared when I was sad, hugged and comforted me when I hurt, took care of me when I was sick, she made sure she knew what my favorite colors were and what books I hadn't read yet-what TV shows I never wanted to miss.....and when she drank.....none of that mattered to her anymore. When she was sober-she promised me-countless times that she would never drink again. Because she loved me so much and I was so much more important to her that any liquor. And then she'd drink again. And I'd hide my sister and brothers upstairs or in the basement away from it all and she'd focus all her dunken rage on me. She's a little woman. By the time I was ten I was already bigger than she was-so her blows never hurt. But she'd curse me. Call me a stupid fat bitch and a whore and everything else she could think of. When I got older-she'd throw herself at my boyfriends and tell them horrible untrue things about me to scare them away. That......um.....that hurts alot you know? She'd took such good care of me and told me she loved me. She was supposed to give me that UNCONDITIONAL love that only parents can give-and she didn't. One moment I was her special "apple-tree" and the next I meant nothing to her. I was the first person to turn my back on my mother. My brother and sister have just recently given up on her. I don't think my father ever will. But around the fifth or sixth time she came back from rehab and broke all her promises-I stopped accepting her apologies. I stopped being nice. I stopped taking care of her when she fell down and cut herself. I stopped covering her when she'd fall alseep outside with dresses on. I didn't want to talk to her or hug her or kiss her-whether she was sober or not. She was never quite the same as she had been-because of the tumor and the bi-polar disorder. SO I just STOPPED. I didn't want to be hurt anymore. But. When she ran off with that guy from burger king, and me and my father found her in some rathole on the southside, sick, and wheezing, and pale on thanksgiving day......I knew, I KNEW that she had done this to herself. She should suffer. She should have to clean up her own mess. And I let my father get us back in to the car and drive all the way back to the dan ryan before I told him to stop. I told him that we could'nt leave her there. And he hesitated only briefly before pulling a u-turn and going back. He carried her out. Ad she laid in the back seat in my arms. But I would not let myself cry or care. It would only open myself up to more hurt.
My dad was the opposite. When he drank he would be so nice to me. We would TALK and have CONVERSATIONS and he would listen to me-and tell me things. He would make promises that he would forget when he sobered up again. My father did not believe in having "conversations" with his children when he was sober. Very few things that left his mouth were anything other than orders or threats.
So you see? The horror there? The two people that were supposed to care about me most in life, would, and could, it seemed, at any given moment-stop caring about me. I developed this thing. I believe that if they could do it-anyone could-so I'd just better be prepared to stop caring about anyone at any given moment-cuz they might do it to me-and if I can just let go-it won't hurt. I even have this limitation with my best friend of six years. Jennifer has stuck around all this time and I still feel like at any moment I will lose priority and become nothing to her. I try keep this wall up-even with my children. Yes, all of them. I love them all SO MUCH. The devastation it would cause me to have one of them turn their back on me.......it's unimaginable. But children are wild animals-and apt to do strange things-so I try and prepare myself-tho I know I will never truly be ready.
Everybody thinks I'm just a cold ass bitch. That it's just my nature. I don't really care about anybody-so don't expect me to be nice. And while that is who I am now-It has a background. There is a reason those barriers are in place.
One person has made it past. ONE person is inside-one person I allow myself to care about without limits-and it took me a very long time to get here. Van. And if he were to ever turn on me, and not care about me anymore-forget being mad or upset with me-just totally NOT care-I don't know what I'd do. He has given me the unconditional love that I lost as a child. And I had to let him in-to give him the same-because he deserves it.
That is why my dream was so bad. And I woke up. And I rolled over. And he wasn't there. So I grabbed my phone and sent a text:
"I had a bad dream. I need you."
And before I could flip the phone shut it vibrated:
"k"
and the he was there. And he came in. and he held me. And i shared with him the dream-and when I got to the part about him not caring if I left or not he said-"Well, now you KNOW that was just a dream." And I shared with him everything I have shared with you now. And he stroked me and held me and kissed my and we both drifted off again for a bit. And then I pooteed on his leg. And he still didn't leave. LOL. I'm lucky aren't I? I am. I know.

And, I feel better now. I feel better having gotten that out-off my soul and into the world. Sometimes-I blog for spite, it's true, but mostly I blog because-it actually makes me feel better. Maybe one day-I won't even feel like this anymore. But for now I've got big, broad shoulders to lean on, and a gorgeous, caring smile to get me thru, and an audience of millions-whether they know it or not.

The District Sleeps Alone Tonigh

smeared black ink: your palms are sweaty and i'm

barely listening to last demands

i'm staring at the asphalt wondering what's buried

underneath where i am



i'll wear my badge: a vinyl sticker with big block

letters adherent to my chest

that tells your new friends i am a visitor here: i

am not permanent

and the only thing keeping me dry is where i am



you seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment

complex

a stranger with your door key explaining that i

am just visiting

and i am finally seeing why i was the one worth

leaving



d.c. sleeps alone tonight



you seem so out of contect in this gaudy apartment

complex

a stranger with your door key explaining that i

am just visiting

and i am finally seeing why i was the one worth

leaving

the district sleeps alone tonight after the bars turn

out their lights

and send the autos swerving into the loneliest

evening

and i am finally seeing why i was the one worth

leaving

Flossy

If you aint got no money take yo'broke ass home
You say: If you aint got no money take yo'broke ass home
G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S, yeah G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S

[B-Section:]
We flying the first class
Up in the sky
Poppin' champagne
Livin' the life
In the fast lane
And I wont change
For the glamorous, oh the flossy flossy

[chorus:]
The glamorous,
The glamorous, glamorous (the glamorous life)
For the glamorous, oh the flossy flossy

[Verse:]
Wear them gold and diamonds rings
All them things dont mean a thing
Chaperons and limousines
Shopping for expensive things
I be on the moovie screens
Magazines and boogie scenes
Im not clean, Im not pristine
Im n queen, Im no machine
I still go to Taco Bell
Drivethrough, raw as Hell
I dont care, Im still real
No matter how many records I seel
After the show or after the grammys
I like to go cool out with the family
Sippin', reminscing on days when I had a Mustang
And now I'm in...

[B-section then chorus]

[Ludacris:]
Im talking Champagne wishes, caviar dreams
You deserve nothing but all the finer things
Now this whole world has no clue to do with us
I've got enough money in the bank for the two of us
Brother gotta keep enough lettuce
To support your shoe fetish
Lifestyles so rich and famous
Robin Leach will get jelous
Half a million for the stones
Takin trips from here to Rome
So If you aint got no money take yo'broke ass home
G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S, yeah G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S

[B-section + chorus x2]

[Verse:]
I got problems up to here
I've got people in my ear
Telling me these crazy things
That I dont want to know (fuck y'all)
I've got money in the bank
And I'd really like to thank
All the fans, I'd like to thank
Thank you really though
Cuz i remember yesterday
When I dreamt about the days
When I'd rock on MTV, that be really dope
Damn, It's been a long road
And the industry is cold
I'm glad my daddy tell me so, he let his daugther know. [x3]