nothing

really, nothing, just find it alil funny. Lately, I swear, everybody I know has been on the same thing. "I anin't dealin with negativity no more." "I don't need negative people around me." "I'm getting rid of all the people who bring me down." I really have. I've seen at least.....12 blogs or bulletins or profile blurbs about this. And I'm not knocking the people who feel they "need" to do this. I'm really not. What I'm saying is that I have come to SUCH a POSITIVE, SELF AFFIRMING, PEACEFUL point within myself-that I don't need to do that. Quite the opposite, actually, I'm like "NEGATIVE PEOPLE COME ON DOWN!!!!!!!!" "BRING IT ON!" "GO AHEAD-YOU TRY TO BRING ME DOWN-I'LL END UP LIFTING YOU UP TO A BETTER PLACE." Seriously.
"Negative people" (what does that term really mean anyway???? people who's screwed up lives gave them screwed up morals and screwed up judgement which causes them to make screwed up descions sometimes that may hurt other peoples feelings???i dunno. whatev.) are usually "negative" for a reason. And they need help. They need to be fixed. They need to be helped. They need a good example. They need to see someone do right by them in SPITE of all their wrong. At least that what I think.
anywho....
nothin

Halloween

Halloween was absolutely marvelous. All the kids had a great time. We were going like nonstop all day. I actually worked from 730 on tuesday until 6 am on wednesday, came home, dropped v off, got the kids up(the hard part), fed, and in costume, dropped them off, came home slept from 9 till 12, got up, got the babies ready, picked up the twins, went home, refreshed their makeup, went to my dads, trick or treat for like 25 blocks-i shit you not, went to the train station, came home, went back trick or treating for like 8 blocks, came home, ate, and PASSED THE FUCK OUT. omg!
But it was awesome. The girls loved their costumes. I thought they looked marvelous. Hell, I was just glad the stuff we bought last year when their mom played us to the left still fit.
The boy wore Trins Pooh costume-she wore it when she was 14 months old. The boy isn't even 9 months yet and he could barely fit his fat self in that bad boy. But I got it on him though. Everyone kept stopping us on the street. "omg-lookit-it's POOH! OH-HE'S SO CUTE! O-LOOKIT HIS EYES!!!!! MAMA-GIVE HIM SOME CANDY PORQUE LOOKIT HIS EYES! AY! God Bless you!" LMAO! My lil heartbreaker.
Trin was a princess, butterfly, fairy, thing. Whatever. I put it on her and she just ran back and forth all over the house yelling "MOMMY! I. LOOK. WONDERFUL." Which is cute. The first 145 times you hear it. But on number 146, I must admit it gets a little annoying. Just a little. But she did look wonderful and she FELT wonderful which is even more important to me.
Anywho-pics are up in the "KIDS" album. Check em out!

My Personal Letter to EVERYONE

God, I just wanna help. Everyone.

I wanna fix everything. I wanna make everyone better. I wanna squeeze everybodys hand, hug them, give them a smile.

No, I'm not on drugs.

I may have a cold, distant, bitchy reputation and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't deserved. Yes, the rumors are true. But that's not all there is to me. That's a wall I built from having a very FUCKED up childhood and being done wrong by alot of people. I'm taking a brick out of the wall, just one, so you all can peer in and see what's behind it for just a moment.
To everyone, that knows me all too well-and those who don't know me at all. Those who I saw yesterday and those I haven't seen in years;
I care about you. I want everything in your life to be wonderful. I want you to be happy. I want you to be blessed and fortunate and loved. I want you not to have to pretend everything is ok when inside you want to cry or scream. I want you to not have to struggle. I wish you happiness, hope, love and family.

These affections still apply to people I have fallen out with. Some of you have read this far and still probably think I'm drunk or high or just talking out of my ass-but these feelings are inside of me and it's time to let them out. And as a testament, so you believe me, listen up right about now, cuz this next part is for the one person I have had more animosity, malice, ill will, bad blood, bitterness, displeasure, and quite probably hate for in my entire existence.

Leslie,
I am sorry. I am sorry I ever made you feel like you were losing your kids to me. My intention was never to take them away from you or make them love you any less. I'm sorry you felt the need to make them choose. To tell them that if they loved me that they didn't love you and it meant they weren't your kids. I'm sorry you told your daughter her hair looked stupid just because I'm the one who cut it. I know if you ever reflect on the things you've said to your girls out of hatred for me you must feel guilty and shitty for hurting your kids like that-and I'm sorry you have to feel that way. This all started because Verlander and I are a family, and his kids are not 50%-but 100% part of my family. And i felt like you were FUCKING with my family. Hurting them and hurting Van and my family is them MOST IMPORTANT earthly thing to me, so I reacted out of protection of and love. Know this. My intentions in the beginning were never to hurt you. That came later. And know that when I say they are part of my family-that doesn't make them any less part of yours and I don't intend for it to MEAN that. And your girls will always be your girls, but they'll be mine too, and if that bothers you, I understand and I'M SORRY, but it's the truth. Know that I could never take them from you, nor would I want to. And know that I'm sorry that so much hate came from my love for them. Please be happy and at peace and know that when your girls are with their daddy's family they are very much loved and well cared for.
-Ashley

There. Do you believe me now? I apologized to her. She will never return the apology or even acknowledge it. But I didn't do it for that. I did it in selflessness and good faith. I have been praying to God to help me have love in my heart for those that I hate and it's gunna take a long, long while but I know with HIM all things are possible and I believe I will get there.

I just wanna help people. I've worked in medicine long enough to know there is a drastic difference between healing someones suffering medically and healing it emotionally and spiritually. I know feeling hurt, and alone, and desperate, and poor, and lost. I know those feelings. I know grief and terror. I've been there. I know absolute utter despair. And I know that someones arms around you while your body is quaking with sobs can save your life. Beacuse that is hope. That is love. And someone cares.
And like I said-I want ALL of you to know I care. I wish I could heal the whole worlds suffering but I don't have that power. I can only offer my help and compassion to those around me. I can't fix all your problems. But I have a shoulder if you need to cry, I got two good ears if you need to talk, I got two arms if you need a hug, I got a big ol home if you need company, I got food to spare if you're hungry, and if I have a dollar that you really need-it's yours.

Thats all I'm saying.
I mean. I'm not saying. I'm just saying.

And I'm not saying I'm perfect, or that I'm totally, truly, altruistic yet-but I'm TRYING.

operative word: TRYING
I'm still human. And I'm still me. But I'm inviting you inside to see how warm it actually is.

And I'm not bullshitting either.

Gettin a lil beat up

I'm getting a little beat up by life right now. It seems as if nobody cares about me or how I feel. It's not a new thing, but it's just more apparent and hurtful right now. I'm gonn try and work through it. Like I said, it's nothing new so I have dealt with it before. I just wish it didn't always have to hurt so bad. Why couldn't I be numb to it already. Why couldn't I be used to it? I'm not. I just want to be loved and appreciated. I don't want to be worshipped or revered. Just loved.

Thank GOD THIS IS NOT MY KID........WHAT THE HELL!

pain

pain is so fleeting. physical pain, i mean. It hurts like hell in the moment, stings right after, and may be sore for what seems like forever, but the body is designed to heal itself. To repair the damage. and as long as it has the capacity to do so-it will never stop trying. Sometimes it heals us with such abandon that it tries to fix areas where nothing is actually wrong. Attacks normal, healthy cells that appear to threaten it.
I wonder, if the mind is the same? From experience, physical pain is so much easier to control. The emotional, the psychological, that is almost uncontrollable. With a physical wound, no matter how many times you rip the stitches out, healing may be delayed but it WILL happen. Even if the wound is infected and the condition aggravated, the body fights the infection in continued efforts to heal itself. Does the mind? When there is sickness within your psyche-is it and can it be healed? Or does that part of you eventually go numb to the pain? Like flesh, slapped too many times, the nerve endings cold, zapped, no longer send that painful message of HURT. If you poke at a mental wound, does the pain flare up and die down like a slowly healing bruise? Or is it a sore, picked open, that has to start healing again from scratch?
I muse over these things, wondering if I will ever be whole, and complete and normal. I feel that way so much of the time. I feel as if I've overcome the injuries inflicted on my mind from my existence. I feel like the wounds have healed, and only their scars remain, as lessons to be remembered and studied, mistakes never to be repeated. But then something happens and all those mental injuries flare up. The pain is fresh and so real. It hurts. Badly. And I have to wonder if they ever really healed at all. and it threatens everything I have worked so hard to obtain and achieve. Why should an injury from so long ago still hurt so bad? Injuries to the body never take as long. Even the deepest cuts make take years to fully heal-but they do-and you're whole again. Even broken bones repair themselves, in time. But injuries to the mind seem as if they never heal. They are permanent. And you can only take so many before you die. And after death, there is nothing. There is no healing or fixing or treating death. You cease to exist. And whether it is your mind or your body that's gone.....it doesn't matter. You're still gone. Permanently.


Such a morbid, weirdo blog.I can't help but wonder though. It's not something I choose to think about, merely something my mind stumbled upon, trying to make sense out of the universe. I want it to make sense so badly. Cuz so much of it doesn't seem right at all.

sometimes it just overwhelms me

I am so so so so so so so so SOOOOOOO TOTALLY BLESSED to have Verlander. He is so wonderful and amazing and important and truely irreplacable to me. Just being around him makes me feel good. He's so supportive and loving and caring and giving. And I'm not saying he's perfect or flawless, but with magnitude of his goodness, you forget any flaws, they just fall away. I can't believe how much our relationship has evolved in the last five years and I'm so completely floored that I am still as in love with this man as when I first laid eyes on him in that store that day in 02. And our family is stronger because of our love. We're teaching our kids how to love. With honesty, understanding, compassion, (passion), forgiveness, LOYALTY, fidelity, and humor.
I'm just overcome by the wonderfulness of it all sometimes. And of course, our financial satuts has always left something to be desired....but I JUST KNOW that if we did have complete financial security-we'd have it ALL. Love, knowledge, and strong, committed family.....all the things that people struggle with-we'd have it ALL and God's not ready to let me have all that just yet. I need to stuggle more and learn more and grow more and I welcome every challange, because I become MORE with every obstacle I overcome. And when my day finally comes-I'll get to go home to my baby(Van) and our family. And i"d rather SHARE all our of good and bad fourtune, because the good would be a million percent less enjoyable if it was by myself and the bad would be intolerable without him.



i love you baby! you're my rock and i couldn't do any of this without you!

Nothing Boy Vs The Echo Factor

Now I could sit here and baffle you
With shallow babble
And a bunch of punch lines
You probably won't get
Or even use some big words
That you'd have to look up
But, I'm not a teacher
So go ahead and close your book up
I could tell a fairy tale so convincing
And keep a straight face from beginning
To happy ending
I could waste 32 bars telling you how to live
Knowing damn well I used mtv cribs for the blueprint
I could bore you to death with my past relationships
Or a little ditty bout Jack and Dianne
Or I could go back to childhood
Dig up them skeletons
And spit them at you with a catchy hook
Look, I could strike a nerve with some four letter words
That'll make Richard Pryor proud
Or better yet, I could sing a jingle that'll contort and mingle
Every single solitary letter in the alphabet

(I could tell you whatever you want to hear
But if I just said hello would you listen to me?
I could sell a blind man new ears
If I just said hello would you listen to me?
I'm trying hard trying to make it perfectly clear
But I'm dying because their aint nobody listening to me
Been relying on myself on myself for more than 22 years
And I aint crying I just need someone to listen to me
Can I get some reply get maybe some kind of sign
to let me know that you're listening to me?
Just from time to time I get lost in my mind
Its hard to find someone to listen to me
My ears were open when you needed some consoling
I'm hoping till the sound you hear echoes
Every time I say hello)

I could talk about my duds
And my thrift store scores
But that probably wouldn't interest you
But why should it
I mean, I've seen a lot of shit in 22 years
But your feet in my shoes isn't something I recall
And I've been known to drink 22 beers
Before a show cuz
otherwise I probably wouldn't have the balls
I could make references to books I never read
For the sake of sounding conscious
But, that's just obnoxious
I could take off these bandages and
Expose these papercuts
And put them in the air
with both my middle fingers up
or talk about myself in third person
like I'm better than you
cuz there's nothing else better to do
I could attack your character from
Eighty different angles
Cleverly explaining exactly how wack you are
But why do that when it's a well known fact
you buying this cd is potentially feeding me
(come on)

(I could tell you whatever you want to hear
But if I just said hello would you listen to me?
I could sell a blind man new ears
If I just said hello would you listen to me?
I'm trying hard trying to make it perfectly clear
But I'm dying because their aint nobody listening to me
Been relying on myself on myself for more than 22 years
And I aint crying I just need someone to listen to me
Can I get some reply get maybe some kind of sign
to let me know that you're listening to me?
Just from time to time I get lost in my mind
Its hard to find someone to listen to me
My ears were open when you needed some consoling
I'm hoping till the sound you hear echoes
Every time I say hello)

Hello, is there anybody out there?
Hello, is there anybody out there?
Hello, is there anybody out there?
Hello, is there anybody out there?
Hello, is there anybody out there?

Please, indulge me for a moment...on the subject of marriage

I was talking with a friend earlier this morning, the subject being his pending divorce and what led to the eventual demise of his twelve year marriage. And I was musing n the subject and our conversation just now, and I remember one comment of mine referring to his wife and how selfish she seemed. Selfish. And that led me to a conclusion about marriage and divorce and the basis of relationships in our time and country.
Studies have shown that most divorces are initiated by women and the most (by FAR) reason cited is not feeling fulfilled EMOTIONALLY. A man's reason is more likely that he has another relationship he'd more desire to pursue. But the reasons come back to basically the same thing. Selfishness.
Allow me to propose a reason for the high divorce rate we have in America today. Selfishness. We get married for OURSELVES. For whatever reason-we feel we need that. However, arranged marriage has a much higher success rate. Why? Well-I believe arranged marriage is in the interest f a purpose. Continuing a family line, the purpose of starting, creating and nurturing a family. Your role is to support and compliment that of your partner. Nothing more. But absolutely nothing less.
I believe, truly successful relationships are those in which you are acting selflessly. In the best interest of your spouse and your children, before your own.I can use my own for reference. Van and I truly want to make one another happy, comfortable, and proud. That is the foundation for the wonderful relationship we have. What problems we may have had have stemmed ultimately from selfishness.
If we we were to truly put our spouse (note the absence of the phase "loved one" because love really is such a truly fleeting, crazy, SELFISH emotion. Yes-it is-being in love stimulates endorphins in our brain and makes us FEEL GOOD and that is why we pursue it with such reckless abandon)before ourselves and take care of one another rather than being all out for self and our emotional or sexual fulfillment ALL of the damn time-our relationships would last. If we saw the need for our children to grow up in a household with two responsible, loving, nurturing adults in them and recognized the importance of such comforts to a child-our relationships would last.
This is merely a personal opinion. But it is something I truly believe in and I am no dummy. I can't seek to solve the insane divorce rate in this county and I can't speak for those among us who truly are FUCKED UP in the head and can't reciprocate our selflessness-I can say the do truly Need someone to take care of them tho.
All I'm saying is. Don't think about YOU. It's not about you. And if it is-it shouldn't be. Think about making the person you love and have chosen to be partners in this life with, happy. And if they can reciprocate it-then you'll both be happy. All of the time. Without being selfish. And you will last forever.

Effing CUSTODY BABY!!!!!!!!!!!1

IT'S OURS!!!!!!!
WHOOT!

mmm...mmm good. like campbells soup.

This is my top 10 hottest guys list.
I think these guys are sooooo frickin hot. Just f-y-n-e. (Not that any of them hold a candle to my boo-he's the only one for me always and forever) But I just had to share. If you don't agree-I so don't care. That's less competition for me! lol.

10. BEN AFFLECK
 He's cute and he's goofy and he's tall and he saved the world in Armageddon!



So Yummy.

9.Ewan McGregor
Ok, seriously, just because he's OBI WAN!!!! Plus-accents are hot! PlusPlus-what other man could put on a skirt and still make you want him????



8.GEORGE CLOONEY
He's just so damn handsome. He embodies that one word "handsome".


Plus, I really like his voice. Alot.

7.D'Angelo
"Untitled" 'Nuff said.



6.Cuban Link
I have this unsettling attraction to arrogant, gangster, latin males.




5. Brad Pitt
He's Brad Pitt. Duh.



Omg. Those lips. And again, a very nice voice.

4. LL Cool J
Omg. The first black man I ever loved. And as he gets older he just keeps getting FINER.



Good GOD and GOD damn!!!!!!! That's a man you feel safe with all the time. Can't shit touch you when you got a fucking TANK on your arm!

3. The Rock
How can you not love the peoples champ?
O-how I'd love to smell him....



oyeah. He's "THAT DAMN GOOD".

2. Mark Wahlberg
He is so my type. He's not only cute as hell-but he's got this bad ass, "i don't give a fuck", cockiness about him.




okay, okay, and yeah, i may have seen "boogie nights"......

and finally........

1. Vin Diesel
He's so fine-I can't believe he's real. If I ever meet him in person I'll either pee myself or faint.(faint, i hope) And he's got this amazing sweet, shy, awkward personality. He is the ultomate piece of man. I can't believe he's real. And he has THE BEST, MOST SEXIEST, voice. Ever. Period. End of freaking discussion.





mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Vin-please don't ever let yourself go. You'll crush my dreams!