My Personal Letter to EVERYONE

God, I just wanna help. Everyone.

I wanna fix everything. I wanna make everyone better. I wanna squeeze everybodys hand, hug them, give them a smile.

No, I'm not on drugs.

I may have a cold, distant, bitchy reputation and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't deserved. Yes, the rumors are true. But that's not all there is to me. That's a wall I built from having a very FUCKED up childhood and being done wrong by alot of people. I'm taking a brick out of the wall, just one, so you all can peer in and see what's behind it for just a moment.
To everyone, that knows me all too well-and those who don't know me at all. Those who I saw yesterday and those I haven't seen in years;
I care about you. I want everything in your life to be wonderful. I want you to be happy. I want you to be blessed and fortunate and loved. I want you not to have to pretend everything is ok when inside you want to cry or scream. I want you to not have to struggle. I wish you happiness, hope, love and family.

These affections still apply to people I have fallen out with. Some of you have read this far and still probably think I'm drunk or high or just talking out of my ass-but these feelings are inside of me and it's time to let them out. And as a testament, so you believe me, listen up right about now, cuz this next part is for the one person I have had more animosity, malice, ill will, bad blood, bitterness, displeasure, and quite probably hate for in my entire existence.

Leslie,
I am sorry. I am sorry I ever made you feel like you were losing your kids to me. My intention was never to take them away from you or make them love you any less. I'm sorry you felt the need to make them choose. To tell them that if they loved me that they didn't love you and it meant they weren't your kids. I'm sorry you told your daughter her hair looked stupid just because I'm the one who cut it. I know if you ever reflect on the things you've said to your girls out of hatred for me you must feel guilty and shitty for hurting your kids like that-and I'm sorry you have to feel that way. This all started because Verlander and I are a family, and his kids are not 50%-but 100% part of my family. And i felt like you were FUCKING with my family. Hurting them and hurting Van and my family is them MOST IMPORTANT earthly thing to me, so I reacted out of protection of and love. Know this. My intentions in the beginning were never to hurt you. That came later. And know that when I say they are part of my family-that doesn't make them any less part of yours and I don't intend for it to MEAN that. And your girls will always be your girls, but they'll be mine too, and if that bothers you, I understand and I'M SORRY, but it's the truth. Know that I could never take them from you, nor would I want to. And know that I'm sorry that so much hate came from my love for them. Please be happy and at peace and know that when your girls are with their daddy's family they are very much loved and well cared for.
-Ashley

There. Do you believe me now? I apologized to her. She will never return the apology or even acknowledge it. But I didn't do it for that. I did it in selflessness and good faith. I have been praying to God to help me have love in my heart for those that I hate and it's gunna take a long, long while but I know with HIM all things are possible and I believe I will get there.

I just wanna help people. I've worked in medicine long enough to know there is a drastic difference between healing someones suffering medically and healing it emotionally and spiritually. I know feeling hurt, and alone, and desperate, and poor, and lost. I know those feelings. I know grief and terror. I've been there. I know absolute utter despair. And I know that someones arms around you while your body is quaking with sobs can save your life. Beacuse that is hope. That is love. And someone cares.
And like I said-I want ALL of you to know I care. I wish I could heal the whole worlds suffering but I don't have that power. I can only offer my help and compassion to those around me. I can't fix all your problems. But I have a shoulder if you need to cry, I got two good ears if you need to talk, I got two arms if you need a hug, I got a big ol home if you need company, I got food to spare if you're hungry, and if I have a dollar that you really need-it's yours.

Thats all I'm saying.
I mean. I'm not saying. I'm just saying.

And I'm not saying I'm perfect, or that I'm totally, truly, altruistic yet-but I'm TRYING.

operative word: TRYING
I'm still human. And I'm still me. But I'm inviting you inside to see how warm it actually is.

And I'm not bullshitting either.