QUICK Story 2

ok-so i'm in the bathroom doing my hair and i'm singing some randomness thats stuck in my head and trinity is sitting on the toilet watching me-chillin.
And i'm singing.....
and the next thing i know my little brat goes
"mommy-shut UP!"
so i looked at her
and contiuned singing
and she goes
"shut UP shut UP shut UP!"
SO i grabbed the roll of toilet paper and threw it at her head
and told her"don't you tell me to shut up-YOU shut up!"
and my TWO YEAR OLD CATCHES the roll of toilet paper and throws it on the floor and tells me-
"don't hit me, mommy. SHUT UP!"
AND I'M JUST SHOCKED. I'M STUNNED. So i do shut up. And i'm just, like, looking at her, and she turns around and kneels on the toilet seat and starts playing with random stuff..........and SINGING!
OMG
this brat.
she's only two
what's she gonna be like at seventeen?

How'd I get so damn lucky?

Posted By:your small friend indeed...™

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I am NOT an effing idiot. Mmmmmmmmmmmk?

This is for my critics. I had plenty at my old job-and a couple at this one. They think I'm stupid for having babies so young. As smart as I am-something MUST be wrong with me if I am having babies at my age with someone 32 years my senior. I must have made a mistake. I must be stupid. Or misguided. Or crazy. Or as the stupid heifer that had "her" twins at 21 seems to think a "whore". Well I'm not. And while I'm anything but part of the crowd-I'mma throw some statistics atcha right quick.

Mothers age Risk of Down Syndrome Risk if ANY chromosomal disorder
20 1/1,667 1/526
25 1/1,250 1/476
30 1/952 1/385
35 1/378 1/192
40 1/106 1/66
41 1/82 1/53
42 1/63 1/42
43 1/49 1/33
44 1/38 1/26
45 1/30 1/21

Now somebody tell me-why the hell would play a game where my odds of LOSING are 1/21??????? ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S WITH SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS THE LIFETIME HEALTH OF MY OFFSPRING?!?!!?!? When it's something THAT serious I'd rather my odds of losing be 1/526 than 1/476-cuz even tho they're both decent odds-I don't want to gamble like that with my BABY.
Leme explain why this is. Women are BORN with a finite number of eggs. My lil boo Trini is walking around with all the eggs she'll ever need or get for her whole life right now. So the eggs that are chilling in my ovaries-are 21 years old already. 21. And every year they get a little older, and more crusty, and a lil closer to expiring. Your aggs don't GET any better. They don't ripen with age. They get worse. it is my theory that thats why most women AGE so BADLY-b/c nature does not want ANYTHING trying to fertilize them old ass expired eggs.
This is not to say I encourage or even condone teen pregnancy. I don't. I don't think you should be allowed to HAVE kids unless you're capable of taking care of them. I was a teen when I got pregnant. EIGHTteen. And out of my parents house. Living at school-but still-out of their house. I was dependant on them for nothing. I HAD my GED and my HSD and pregnancy did NOT stop me from completing my schooling or my training or my internships. It did not stop me from getting a job at four months-to help support us-b/c V was getting less than 100 bucks a week after child support raped him. And after I had her-I did move back in with my parents. For 72 days. Temporarily-while they finished building our co-op. And during that time I took care of my baby. Everything. My mother watched her once for 45 mintues while I went to the dentist. That's it. They never bought a thing for her or prepared her bottles. SO there. Teen pregnancy or not-I handled my business and I always have & will. If you can't-then use a rubber.

Guess what else increases with age?
Your risk of having a low-weight, preterm baby.
Your risk of having a c-section.
Your risk for gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, and plecenta previa.
Your risk for stilbirth.
Your chances of maternal death.

You know what decreases with age?
Your chances of becoming pregnant at ALL. And with all the risks-do you really even wonder why?

I can quote these numbers to my critics all day long and they'll still just shake their heads and wave their hands at me. They don't get it. But I do.
And I'm not worried about my baby. I have all the confidence in the world that my son is healthy, and intelligent, and absolutely gorgeous. And my carrying that box with the 12 liters of dextrose isn't gonna hurt or change that-so stop tsk, tsking me. I know what I am capable of. And you obviously don't if you question my ability to care for child based on my age. I am doing the best thing for us. Making sure that my eggs are young and healthy to produce a healthy baby-and making sure I am young and healthy and STRONG enough to support his life inside of me as well as out. I don't need anyone to lean on during either part of his life. Can you old bitties say the same?

the woman in the doorway

I tend to be..... very strong in my convictions, to say the least. I rarely flip flop on things-If i can't give a strong opinion on something-i likely won't have one at all.....I'm highly judgmental and openly critical on most things. Arguing with me is mostly a waste of time-cuz I rarely change my mind. Some people despise these qualities-not just in me-but in every person like me. I like them tho. I value a person that has the will to hold their ground-as long as it's solid ground-and not some fairytale concoction based on myths instead of facts. But even though I am thoroughly convinced of every opinion I have formed-and I base my opinions on FACTS and logical reasoning derived from those FACTS....... doesn't mean I'm always right. I'm not always right. I'm right a helluva good percentage of the time-pretty good when you factor in the whole human being thing-but still, not always. And I know it. Don't think I don't know it. Cuz to assume that I am always right would make me a member of the stupid people-and you all know how I feel about them.
So i know I'm not always right. I know this. And this can cause me to doubt myself at times. More times than I'm likely to ever admit-and rarely does this self doubt ever show outwardly. But keep what I've just divulged in mind as I take you on this walk around my mind for a moment.


I love my husband. I love him dearly. And I love him ALWAYS. I may HATE him sometimes. But I love him ALL of the time. And this is one of those I things I never doubt. It is one of those things that won't change. And I don't say this with the naivete of someone being in the firs year "honeymoon" stage of a relationship. I say this after FIVE years and a desire bordering an obsession at times that we have shared-but both held our own pride so high we would not admit it to the other.
I say this after breakups and makeups, fights, blood, sweat, tears, pain, passion, rage, betrayal, loneliness, I say I love him still.......and I always will. So at no time think of this as......."doubt".....of my love for him. It's not. And such a thing does not exist for me.
But there have been times when what kept me from leaving, or what made me come back, or what even made me beg him to stay was not my love for him-but my love and commitment to the children, not just my flesh and blood, ALL of the children. I sometimes wonder what it would do to the woman that birthed them to know that. That tho she blames all the problems that have arisen in the last two years on me and that I know she'd love for me to be out of V's and thus-the twins lives forever-THAT "HER" girls have been then ones to keep us together at times. I think that actually is a bit "ironic".
I know the notion of "staying together for the kids" seems dated and old fashioned and not that "smart" for todays woman. But I believe it should be a factor-at least to some extent. As far as the twins are concerned-they've been thru hell already. They are the most confused children I have ever met. They are secretive and adaptive and easily bruised-despite the act they put on that everything is ok. They are smart-but their potential is degraded b/c they have so many other things to think about and worry over than being a third grader. They are under the impression that they have two daddies and two mommies and about twelves grandmas and that Santa still brings presents for the brother that they lost almost five years ago. They are skeptical when I tell them that they only have ONE mommy and ONE daddy and only one living grandparent on either side. They don't have ANY aunts-but every female that they knows' name has the prefix "ti-ti" attached-and almost every child they know is their "cousin". It's confusion. It's distraction. It's messed up in so many ways-and I don't want to be one to add to that confusion. They've been exposed to their mother and father hurling expletives, insults and accusations at each other so many times. They've watched their mother and their stepfather get into physical altercations.....and I refuse to expose them to any more that harsh whisper between me and my husband-b/c little girls don't need to worry about things like that. they should have memories like that to recall and GOD! i do not want them to grow up and think that it is normal to behave that way. To think that it is OK. Cuz it's not.
And now my own. My own little treasure. The piece of my heart that god took from me and let loose for me to run around and try to protect from the insanities of this world. I DON'T WANT HER TO END UP LIKE THAT. My baby is SMART and she is STRONG and she is OPINIONATED and VOCAL and CONFIDENT and I don't ever want her to lose any of that because of confusion. Because of distraction. I want to allow her to grow up-not force her to.
And here's the part where my opinions come in to play.....
I have judged the twins mother-the jury went out and returned with the verdict-"BAD"
BAD MOTHER
INCOMPETENT PARENT
And I have convinced myself that I am RIGHT. And in comparison to my own personal brand of mothering-I am STILL sure that I am RIGHT. But....I am not blind to the fact that I essentially stole this other womans children. Every child views it's mother as the BEST. Until something is done to challenge this in the child's mind and then the child has a choice to make and an opinion to form and all could be lost. I stole them-and the fact that I am a better cook, or housekeeper, or ouchie kisser doesn't make it ok. Every mother DESERVES the adoration of her children. Unchallenged. And I took that away from her. She now has to compete for the title of "best mommy". And perhaps it's better for the children. But-it's not fair.
She walked them out to the door today. And she hugged them goodbye. And they got into the car with ME. Into the "best car ever" as they have dubbed it. Even tho their mothers has a TV-mine still wins-mostly because it's mine. And she stood in the doorway and had to watch them-HER babies get into the car with ME. She had to. By order of the court she had to watch her kids get in the car and know they are gonna be with someone else they call their "mommy" for the next three days. I saw her.
And I never want that to be ME.
I never want to have to compete for the favor of my own children. I never want to have to watch them go with some person I barely know and CANNOT STAND. And the people that know me well, my dear treasured few friends-would insist that I'm being silly at this point. That in any "mothering" contest-I'd win hands down-as I would in any competition of character. But I did it. I did it to someone else. I watched it happen-I was there-and I am a MOTHER- i will always be a mother. And a mother's biggest fear is the loss of her baby. I can't stand to be away from her now-it worries me to death for her to spend a night away. you think I'd ever hand her over even for a whole weekend?!?!? Even to her father. She's my baby. And I need her.


Ahh. Relief.
sometimes you just gotta let it out.
sometimes you just have to blog about love, and hate, and doubt, and empathy.......
and it's ok
cuz it feels good to get it out

QUICK story

So I'm getting Trini breakfast this morning (Honeycomb is her new fave btw) and she asks the usual morning question of where daddy is-cuz he leaves before she wakes up and usually I tell he's at work and thats the end of it-but she's suddenly entered this "Why?" phase so this morning it whent like this:
Trini: Mommy-where da-yee?
Me:He's at work baby
Trini: Why?
Me:So.....he can make money.
Trini:Munny?
Me:Yes.
Trini: Why?
Me:Because we need money.
Trini:Why?
Me:(as I pour her cereal)Becaaaaaaaaaaause.....money buys us food.
Trini: Munny................Foo?
Me:Yes
Trini: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
MUN-NEE! MUN-NEE!!!
And I almost died laughing-but there were also tears in my eyes because.....well-because she's so damn cute and I'm so lucky she's mine and she's ALL mine and I never have to share her with ANYONE else.
And I love it.

Exhaustion

Well....I'm off today. Which is good. I just finished up a four day stint at the job. And I'm not knocking anybody here, I'm just saying putting in four ten hour days straight at my job is a trial that has few equals. Especially when you're pregnant. And when three of the four you're stuck TPN'ing. Not only are you there for 10.5 hours-which means you spend more waking hours there than with your family for four days-but you spend 5-8 of those hours on your feet. Pulling and shooting anywhere from 6-20 additives, checking weights and temps and refractive index's and flame photometry measurements, and hoping to GOD that anything that you've missed-the pharmacist will catch because someones life and well-being are in your hands. And we don't want any contamination so SPRAY, SPRAY, SPRAY-douse your hands and hood in alcohol CONSTANTLY-and don't be shy with the bleach in product introduction............
Oy! My back has been killing me. I tried those thermacare patches....they were ok-but they didn't last as long as I would have liked. I tried icy/hot-and that so last no where near as long as I want it to-PLUS it's incredibly difficult to put on your own back-PLUS everybody at work started calling me "grandma" cuz they said I smelled like Bengay. I beg Van for the painful relief that comes from a good rubdown. I want to soak in a piping hot bath soooooooooo bad-but my midwives say tepid to lukewarm are the only baths safe for the baby right now.
Am I bitching and moaning? Maybe. Just a bit.
But I'm also trying to make sense of this damn dream I just had.
It HAS to be from just sheer exhaustion. I can't explain it otherwise.
In my dream I'm in my house, cleaning the kitchen. Dancing around a bit. ANd my kitchen is way huger and so is my whole house-it's beautiful and extravagant-but basically the same layout-just bigger and better.
So I'm cleaning. And the twins are taking their showers. And Nina comes in and I ask her about her shower and she says something like "mommy helped me" or something-but it just doesn't make sense so i brush it off. Then I hear all this noise. And I walk down tho the girls room-and it's full of KIDS. The twins little cousin is running around in there with trin and there's this little girl who's their stepdads illegitimate half sister-so i guess it's like their half-step-aunt or something like that-but she's only 13 anyway so she's running around in there too-and there are some other little kids I don't even recognize and Nina is in there but Jessie is not and she's not in the shower so I walk to the frontroom and Jessie is sitting on the couch watching "Everybody Loves Raymond" with THEIR BIRTHMOM-who is also SITTING ON MY COUCH-IN MY HOUSE-OHMYEFFINGGOD. She's wearing this little jacket thing over her head and I make some random comment about it and she goes "O they're new coats for my girls I just came to drop them off. I just bought them today." An so I'm just like o, ok , whatever" and I walk back down the hallway to the kitchen-but the hallway has suddenly become long as HELL and my mind is just ALL fucked up. I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that the heifer is in MY house on MY couch and I'm just like in a daze trying to figure out-what the hell do I do?????????? I can't kill her-I have a house full of kids. So then I go yell at Nina for getting gum on the rug and all the while my mind is running a million miles a minute trying to sort this crazy shit out. Finally I decide to call Van-but he doesn't pick up so I leave him a message like-your crazy baby momma is in my house on my couch watching my TV-I have no idea why or how she got here-HELP!
And then I try to call back but all the sudden she's COMING and she's like I'm gonna go now but I wanna take some pictures of the girls in their new coats first. So I finally get a good look at these "new" coats-and I see that they are exactly the same as their old coats-only a lighter shade of brown. An let me tell you all-the coats she has bought these girls for winter are ridiculous. Not in the dream-I'm talking real life, people. They are PAPER THIN. They were made for a California winter-NOT a chicago winter. They're terrible. They're not ugly or anything. Just not functional at all. So I went and bought them REAL winter coats-like BIG faux down coats with removable fleece liners-cuz thats what you NEED to live here man. It is 19 degrees outside right now-and she's got them running around in a little jacket no thicker than your average sweatshirt. And we just found out they don't even have snowboots-so I guess I'm gonna have to handle that as well.
Anyway-back to the dream-I see these coats are exactly the same as the other ones-and so I say something to her-like they are too thin-they need bigger coats-and she says something about how christmas is right around the corner and winks at me-and as a general rule I HATE when people wink at me-just bad childhood memories and whatnot-but all of the sudden I like, felt, her. So I jump up and grab my new dig cam and I start snapping pictures, and she like, actually, compliments me on the camera, and the girls are fucking CONFUSED because we're getting along-so all the pictures come out fucked up but it doesn't matter. And I walk her to the door and all of the she's not 300 lbs anymore-she's like normal, human size. And her hair isn't all greasy and dull and in that half-ass bun/ponytail thing. It's shiny and gloss and an almost blond color and it's done in this professional looking pretty fauxhawk/ponytail thing. And her face isn't all tired and gray and greasy and all those little bumps are gone and she looks.....NICE. She looks like a decent human being. She looks like a good mom and a nice person. And in that moment, as her entire being changes-so does my perception of her. She's no longer phony or greedy or stupid or untruthful. And then she says something kind and leaves. And two seconds later Van bursts through the door all like, what happened? where is she? what did you do? and I'm trying to describe to him what just happened when all of the sudden someone is knocking on the backdoor. And it's her and she's saying that we can share christmas day and she's being kind to van too and i can tell he is in shock and I want to tell him to invite her to christmas dinner but I can't get the words out b/c her alcoholic husband is there and he no longer looks all beat up and bloated and drunkish-he looks like a decent human being too. Like young, and presentable and not some random piece of inebriated hood trash. And they get in to a car and leave. And then I woke up.
And this dream has me all fucked up now. Cuz I wish it were that simple. I wish it were so easy for people to change from bad to good. But it's not. It's takes years and events and growth and all that good shit. But I wish it could be. Cuz the idea of it all just seems so nice. And I am so not an idealist.....so I can only blame this on exhaustion.

if we pass on the street don't cause a ruckus cuz i don't like fusses

My biggest "pet peeve" is stupid people. It just is. I can't stand them and have no sympathy for them. I mean-ok- not everyone's IQ is gonna be as high as mine-this I understand. Not everyone is going to enjoy learning as much as I do-or have the vocabulary that I do. I accept this.
But I refuse to accept people that revel in their own ignorance like some cheap cologne. I cannot stand people who accept word of mouth for facts and live by old wives tales with seeking any information to back it up as truth. I cannot stand people who ROUTINELY GO AGAINST THAT WHICH IS LOGICAL SIMPLY BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO STUPID TO FOLLOW BASIC RATIONALE.
I am not a totally intolerant person. I have friends from EVERY background you can think of-born and raised any and everywhere-from indigent to affluent-I know these people and I GET ALONG with them. I get along with someone that comes from totally opposite circumstances and viewpoints than myself. But I CANNOT even carry on a less than condescending conversation with someone who is not of comparable intelligence with me. My husband, he can. I don't know how-but he can. He grew up in this mad niggerish neighborhood and I grew up on the north side-so maybe that's it. Some of his friends owe half their vocabulary to his influence. before me-he never dated a girl he didn't think was beneath him in the brainpower department-he thought that they didn't exist. I don't understand that. How can you be with someone and have conversations and jokes with someone that can't keep up with where you are going?????
I just can't do it!
And I'm not talking about people that just can't type, or can't spell perfectly, or don't know every synonym for every word so they use the same ones frequently. That HARDLY makes you stupid.
What makes you stupid is that you don't know that you are. When you try to insult someone via written communication and spell the word "bitch" "b-i-t-s-h"-you are stupid. Cuz that's not a typo. "c" and "s" and not next to each other on the keypad-and you don't insult someone with words you don't know-so you genuinely believed that that was the correct spelling of the word. And that is SUCH a COMMON word that it also means that you haven't read anything since roughly fourth grade. And not to break your heart or anything-but the spelling and grammar rules do get a little more complex from there on.
When you use words-with authority and confidence-that aren't REALLY words like "glangs" or "supplementals". You are stupid. Whatever definition you attach to these words is yours alone because they don't exist in any dictionary-not even one exclusively for slang. So NOBODY GETS WHAT YOU'RE SAYING BUT YOU-AND THE STUPID SHEEP THAT FOLLOW YOU.
When you change FACTS to support whatever point you are trying to make-you are STUPID. And I'm not talking about a difference of opinion of different views on the same subject or even one particular event recalled different ways I'm talking about a problem (i.e...."the ball is lost") and the question ("why is the ball lost?") and a reason ("the room is messy") from this particular set of circumstances we can use logic and inference a solution (i.e....to find the ball-one must clean the room) ALL ATTEMPTS AT LOGICAL SOLUTIONS ARE THWARTED WHEN YOU THEN CHANGE THAT WHICH WAS PREVIOUSLY KNOW TO BE FACT ("the room is clean") THE WHERE IS THE BALL AND WHY IS IT LOST?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!?! Nobody wants to be wrong but godammit-nothing can ever be solved unless you stop trying to wiggle on to the winning side of things! That's why Kerry lost.
You are stupid if you DON'T TRY AND KNOW BETTER. I'm not saying you HAVE to know better-but you've got to be open to LEARNING.
Doctors, lawyers, pharmacists, surgeons go to school for MANY, MANY YEARS and then once they graduate-they still never stop taking workshops, and seminars, and READING-because you can never know it all, and if you want to truly help someone, you need to be as well informed as possible.
You are stupid if you believe that keeping your hair in a ponytail will prevent lice. That's JUST FUCKING RIDICULOUS. I'm sorry. I had to tell you.
you're stupid if you blindly believe in old wives tales like that one without ever questioning why. And if you do question and the answer is I DON'T KNOW than your faith is in the wrong place.
aHHHH.
I'm sorry. I know I have a ton of people who faithfully read my blogs and I truly appreciate the attention, but I had to vent. I had to get it out before I had some kind of aneurysm.

I just have one more thing I'd like to get out there.
And it just.....it needs to be said.
Because I'm defining the word "COWARD" for all readers right here.
All those times I called you to talk. Offered to come out of my way and go over there. Peacefully. And you threatened to call the cops. Like a little bitch. And now I reasonably make a request for that which belongs TO ME and all of the sudden you threaten my life and my baby's? That is a fucking coward. B/c I have been WAY more up your ass than I am now and you ran. You didn't confront a thing. But I'm eight months pregnant and suddenly you want to box? Coward. Thats are tons of other words that describe you-but this suits you the most right now. And trust-I am extremely protective of my offspring-so while my priority right now is to protect them from your cowardly ass-the time will come when I am no longer pregnant. And then will be my time to defend them. And I'll tell you right now-I fear no man, or more appropriately in this instance, beast-so whenever you're feeling "confident" again-I'll be waiting. I guarantee it.

This Is For Amber, August, and Avery-as it has always been......

(bout that time...........)




Standing at the machine every day for all my life
I'm used to do it and I need it
It's the only thing I want
It's just a rush, push, cash

Standing at the machine every day for all my life
I'm used to do it and I need it
It's the only thing I want
It's just a rush, push, cash

Standing at the machine every day for all my life
I'm used to do it and I need it
It's the only thing I want
It's just a rush, push, cash

N'est-ce pas

I know you think I'm crazy and I ask you all the same
I know you're just an asshole
I wanna dance with you, that's my way in curse

Everybody need somebody
Sometimes sometimes
Everybody free somebody
Sometimes sometimes

I know you're made of steel
You gotta dance that's all I feel
I know you're the one, so please please please come on
I know you're gonna feel to be
To gonna dance with me and need no fear
I wanna see you dance, you're gonna follow me
And please don't leave me alone
Make up your mind, I'm not the kind
Of scared to use a bow

N'est-ce pas
Everybody need somebody
Sometimes

Standing at the machine every day for all my life
I'm used to do it and I need it
It's the only thing I want
It's just a rush, push, cash

Everybody free somebody
Sometimes sometimes

Standing at the machine every day for all my life
I'm used to do it and I need it
It's the only thing I want
It's just a rush, push, cash

Standing at the machine every day for all my life
I'm used to do it and I need it
It's the only thing I want
It's just a rush, push, cash

N'est-ce pas

ogoddamit

Wtf am I supposed to do now!?!?!
She's suing us. The greasy one is suing us.
Unfuckingbelievable.
WE DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY. I don't know wtf she expects to get outta this-we don't have any money for her. And now we need a lawyer and we don't have any money for that. And now i"m never gonna be ableto take any kind of break from work. GOD! wtf! What the hell is going on???? There are so many insane things going on right now-so much to worry about. I can't take it. I just wanted happy holidays, a nice baby shower, and then a healthy baby. Instead I get a father with failing organs, drunken mistakes, and LOSING my babies. And now. A lawsuit. I'm not the kinda person to ask "why?" in these situations-it's a useless question. The question I do pose to God and whoever else out there is listening is "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?" I can't even pick up OT at the job-I'm already having enough swelling issues as it is. I can't get a loan. Nobody will loan me anything. None of my credit cards even have a LIMIT of a thousand dollars. Fuck. This is stressful. WHy do I have to be pregnant right now? I feel so limited b/c of it. I don't have any idea of what I'd doif I wasn't but still-it feels like a limiting factor. Omg. and you know what people keep telling me "Don't stress yourself out." ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!
I AM STRESSED. I AM WORRIED. THIS WHOLE THING CANNOT BE REAL.
My stupid check engine light is on and my car is making funny noises. I can't afford that. This entire episode could send V right back to jail! Jessie is sick and heifer wont tell us whats wrong with her. I don't know man. I'm lost. I'm so lost r/n.
Well. We're having a blowout here at Casa De Thompkins. Anything you want-just name a price-it's for sale. And if anyone wants a 05 dodge grend caravan-thats for sale too. And if anyone wants my firstborn son-nevermind. This one is not for sale.

Rethinking My Postion

Man, yesterday was AWFUL!
I was so sick-like near death flulike symptoms, everything hurts, I'm dying help me sick. While everyone else is pigging out and leftover ham and cornbread and taters and PIE-I'm tryna choke down ramen noodles and gatorade.
And then to make matters worse-mid-afternoon, I start having lovely contractions. God-I for got how much those things HURT. Or course I did. your body makes you forget. there is no way you'd ever do it again if you could clearly recall that agony. Van is all like call your midwife-but I know better. They're regular-but they're an hour apart. So NOT anywhere near active labor. But as the end of each hour approaches-GOD-I am DYING. I'm so scared. I'm just like I don't want to have another contraction!!!!!!!!! And then another one rips through me. And I'm thinking what the hell is wrong with me??? This was a bad idea. And a worse idea is to try and do this naturally-why would anyone do that? What made me think I could do that?!?!?!?! I finally passed out in the ball of pain and hunger and sickness and confusion around midnight. But this morning-which brings with it a slight relief from the illness of yesterday and THANKFULLY no contractions-also brings with it a clarity-I AM SO GETTING THAT GODDAMNED EPIDURAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And V says no, you can do it natural. You got through last night didn't you?
And I'm trying to convey to him that last night was NOTHING compared to whats to come.
SO yeah.
i've totally rethought my birth plan.....lol

Magic

Also-yesterday we put up the tree. Well Van and the twins put up the tree. I supervised. And it was Trin's naptime. They did a wonderful job, of course.
When Trin woke up from her nap-I brought her into the front to the sight of the fully lit tree. And my little turtle gave this totally unstaged gasp of amazment.
The rest of us sat around and watched MI-3. But my baby could not take her eyes off the marvel of the tree. She stared at it. She walked around it. She danced around it with such passion, I expected the sky to open up and rain presents around her. At one point she fell to her knees and started bowing at the tree-I shit you not. She wanted to touch each and every ornament. not rip down, or play with, or destroy-just touch. She walked around and carefully picked up each bulb between her thumb and forefinger. She carefully inspected her reflection in each of the silver ones-and then grunted her approval before moving on. She reached, stretched, and then tried to jump to reach the taller branches. I, sickly as I was, could not sit idlly by-I summoned all of my strength to get up and lift my baby so she could continue her inspection. Her hands stoppped at the skirt of the angel. An almost imperceptible "oooo" escaped her lips-I looked at her, my baby, in the glow of the bulbs, the angel reflected in her giant eyes.......this was not her first Christams. Her third, on the contrary. But it WAS. It was her seeing it for the first time. Seeing the beauty of the tree and being MOVED by it. Being AWED. Being unjaded, or biased by movies and commercialism, or opinion or stories, or even memories and just seeing CHRISTMAS for the first time. It was magic.
And I feel so lucky to have her-and to have seen it as she saw it-because SHE moved ME.

I love you baby.

So effing pissed....you have no idea

I just found out that my parents commited my little brother......AGAIN.
AND NOBODY FUCKING TOLD ME.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS. THIS IS BULLSHIT.
HE IS NOT "CLINICALLY DEPRESSED" HE IS NOT FUCKING "BIPOLAR" OR "SUICIDAL" OR ANY OF THOSE THINGS.
HE'S JUST A KID WITH A FUCKED UP HOMELIFE-AND IT WITH YOUR HEAD. I KNOW. I WAS THERE. AND I DIDN'T NEED THE MEDS. AND NEITHER DOES HE. AND HE DEFINATELY DOES NOT NEED TO SPEND ANOTHER FUCKING HOLIDAY LOCKED UP. BECAUSE AS SOON AS I ESCAPED FROM THAT LOONY BIN AND FOUND MY OWN NORMALCY-I WAS-I AM F.I.N.E.
AND I JUST WANTED A NICE THANKSGIVING WITH MY BROTHERS AND MY SISTER AND THIS BULLSHIT JUST FUCKED ME ALL UP. AND I HATE MY PARENTS! I HATE THEM-HE'S JUST A KID-THEY ALL ARE-AND THEY ARE GOOD KIDS AND THEY ARE RUINING THEM. THEY ARE GONNA ENTER SOCIETY ALL FUCKED UP. I SURROUND MY SELF WITH ENOUGH LOVE AND ENOUGH SANITY TO FEEL NORMAL AND HAPPY AND GOOD-NO MATTER HOW FUCKED SHIT GETS.......MY BROTHERS AND MY SISTER.........I DON'T KNOW IF THEY'LL KNOW ENOUGH TO TRY.....OR IF THEY'RE TOO FAR GONE TO SAVE.
AND I JUST WANT MY BROTHER TO BE OK.
I LOVE YOU AVERY.
I MISS YOU.
I'M SORRY.

Week 30-Doesn't This Sound Like Fun?

Week 30 A: You are currently in Week 30 (29 weeks and 3 days) Only 10 more weeks until your baby arrives. Until then you can expect some of the following things to occur. Common 3rd Trimester Questions: Terms To Know Insomnia Traveling Having a Doula Birth Choices Cord Blood Banking Swelling Mucus Plug Kick Counts Leg Cramps Signs of Labor Premature Labor Braxton Hicks Stages of Labor False Labor What changes are occurring with your body? You may begin noticing that you become tired easily during this last part of pregnancy. This may be especially true if you are having difficulty sleeping at night. Some women are able to experiment with different sleeping positions that make sleep a little easier. If you are suffering from insomnia and it is becoming increasingly worse, you may want to consult with your healthcare provider. During this later part of pregnancy you may also experience mood swings. Some of you may have experienced this in the earlier part of pregnancy as well. Your body is producing a number of different hormones that can cause your joints to become looser. This may result in your feet actually getting larger. Some women report that their feet grow one shoe size during their pregnancy. This is normally a permanent change.* How big is your baby? Your baby has now grown to be 14 ¾ inches long and weighs about 3 pounds.* What is happening with your baby? As your baby continues to grow, he/she takes up a larger portion of your uterus. You may not feel that your body can handle your growing baby, but it will compensate by allowing your uterus to extend underneath your rib cage. Your baby's eyes are becoming more mature, and now he/she can tell the difference between light and dark. Babies at 30 weeks can even follow a light source with their eyes. Once your baby is born, he/she will spend a great deal of time with their eyes closed. This is completely normal. Newborns only have the ability to focus on objects a few inches from their face. While "normal" adult vision is 20/20, a newborn's vision is 20/400.* What should you plan for this week? You have approximately 10 weeks left in your pregnancy. Now is the time to begin thinking about the different kinds of pain relief options that will be available to you when you deliver. Not only should you talk to your healthcare provider about the different options, but also research the different techniques so that you can make an informed decision. The following briefly describe some of the available options: Natural childbirth- includes the Alexander Technique, the Bradley Method, Hypnosis, Lamaze, and Water Birth. Local anesthesia- includes pudendal block, spinal block, and an epidural. General anesthesia- not commonly used during labor and delivery due to a complete loss of sensation and consciousness. Narcotics- commonly used in labor for women who are looking for a less invasive form of pain relief. The goal of narcotics is to reduce anxiety and help a woman cope with contractions. Patterned Breathing- refers to the various types of breathing at specific rates and depths to allow the woman to become more calm and relaxed. Relaxation Techniques for Labor- used in addition to any of the above interventions to incorporate all the senses. Tips for making your pregnancy better: Many women during this stage of pregnancy report an increasing number of backaches. This is very much related to weight gain and the baby's growth. If you are experiencing back pain, you may want to evaluate your posture. Proper posture can alleviate the back pain that you are experiencing. It may take some effort to change these habits, but it will be worth it if your back pain goes away. Tips for mom's partner: ..x 10px 0pt;" src="http://www.americanpregnancy.org/40weeks/images/week30/partner.jpg" align="left"> Your partner has been able to feel the baby move for quite some time. By 30 weeks you should also be able to feel the baby move. Make some time for you and your partner to be together so that you can rest your hand on her stomach in order to feel the baby move. Sharing these moments together will not only help you with the bonding process between you and your baby, but it will also allow you to spend some special time with your partner. Last Updated: 08/2006 Things to Check Out: CorCell, Inc. Saving Baby's Cord Blood Learn what every parent should know about umbilical cord blood preservation. Recommended Reading: The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth.. The Birth Partner, Second Edition.. The Baby Book: Everything You Need to Know About Your Baby from Birth to Age Two (Revised and Updated Edition).. The Ultimate Breastfeeding Book of Answers : The Most Comprehensive Problem-Solution Guide to Breastfeeding from the Foremost Expert in North America.. Simply Parenting: Understanding Your Newborn And Infant (Simply Parenting).. * The information that the American Pregnancy Association provides is used as a general guide for healthy pregnancy development, although development may vary due to the mother's health or a miscalculation of ovulation. Each woman and pregnancy is unique and may be experienced differently. Remember that babies develop at different rates, even before they are born. The purpose of this developmental information is to give you a general idea of how your baby is growing, and you must remember that your baby's growth may vary from that which is outlined. Newsletter provided by: The American Pregnancy Association 1425 Greenway Dr. Suite #440 · Irving, Texas 75038 The American Pregnancy Association is a non-profit organization incorporated in the State of Texas operating under Taxpayer No. 32-0072669. Your are subscribed as msavwilliams@yahoo.com. If you no longer wish to receive this newsletter, you may unsubscribe here. © 2005-2006 American Pregnancy Association. All rights reserved.

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Child Support Reform

Je t'aime, toujours

I would never normally go bowling
On a friday morning in New Orleans
But I like to come here to remember
The kind of places you took me
Like the time we stole a Datsun
And drove all night to the everglades
Until we crashed it in a big electric storm
And stood there listening to the bayou rain

The county sheriff had a hair - lip
Louisiana's pride and joy
He said politley as he cuffed me
"I never busted an English boy ...
But I will accept a contribution
To the Opelousas' Charity Ball
But you better drive this dirty Datsun
Into the Gulf of Mexico"

Under a Cajun moon I lay me open
There is a spirit here that won't be broken
Some words are sad to sing
Some leave me tongue-tied
(But the hardest thing to tell you )
But the hardest words I know
Are I love you goodbye
I love you goodbye

Typhoon Pierre delayed my plane till morning
(Jusqu'au matin)
Let the bontemps rouler from your accordion
(L'accordien)
Under a cajun moon I lay me open
(Y a un esprit partout)
There is a spirit here that won't be broken
(Simple words are sad to sing
Some words are sad to sing
(They leave me tongue-tied)
Some leave you tongue-tied
(But the hardest thing to tell you my friend)
But the hardest words I know
(Is I love you goodbye)
Are I love you goodbye
(Je t'aime, au revoir)
I love you goodbye
(Je t'aime, toujours)
I love you, goodbye

And so....

God, i'm tired. Arguing with silly, stupid people can really be draining. Anyway. I just want you to imagine a hypothetical here for me. Imagine you have a kid. If you already-there's really no stretch there, huh? but anyway-imagine your kid has older siblings. But these kids are NOT your kids. But they are your kids older siblings and therefore you kid looks up to them and will their whole life. Your kid will imitate these kids attitude, style, EVERYTHING. So even if you're able not to become emotionally involved or dependent on these other kids-and not particularly care about the fairness in their lives or well being......don't you HAVE to-for the sake of your own kid? If you know these kids come from filth and ignorance and pain and bitterness-wouldn't you try to influence that-if not for their sake(b/c u simply refuse to care)but for the sake of your own child?
I don't know if I have made any sense right here....honestly I don't. The words swim before my tired eyes. I'm trying to make a point.....I just....am not exactly sure how to get you all to see whay I'm tryna say. See why I care IN THE SLIGHTEST-much less to the FULL extent I do.
I am the oldest of four. I have four years on my younger sister. By the time she was four and i was eight-she was a walking, talking parrot of me. There are videos of her just walking behind me and repeating word for word everything I say. She would try and follow in my steps, literally, step exactly where I would step. She'd steal and try to wear ALL my clothes-even tho they were FAR too big for her. My brothers weren't quite as extreme but-for the most part-the movies they like, the music the listen to,just like my sister-were influenced by ME. Not my mother or my father-I was and to an extent still am, the biggest influence in my younger siblings lives. I went to Lane Tech I went cuz it was big and it seemed cool and it was the ONLY place I applied to...so there ya go. My brother and my sister BOTH applied to Lane as their FIRST choice-for no other reason than the fact that I went there.
I know first hand how big of an influence an older sibling has on a younger one........and I know how much my booboo adores her older sisters.....and regardless of every other factor I got going on with this mayhem that is stepmotherhood......that alone is reason enough to care and to influence and inspire and DEMAND change.

Ugh, god, I feel like garbage

Man.
I hate children.
And old people.
Damn carriers of disease.
Trins been sick since wednesday. Nina came over here on Friday sick.
And now. Here I am. Sick as a dog. The only thing I that'll relieve what ails me most is pregnancy class C and I hate to gamble. Especially with the well being of my firstborn son.........we'll see how long I can hold off on that one.
I was up from like 4 till 5:30 just cuz I felt so icky I couldn't sleep. My misery woke V up and he laid and watched Fun with Dick and Jane with me till I fell asleep.
I had a horrible dream. I'll spare ya'll the details....but essentially I was leaving V-and he didn't care.
Let me explain why this is so horrible to me. More horrible than monsters and demons out for my blood.
Both my parents are alcoholics. My mom claims she's a "recovering alcoholic"-but you can't be "recovering" if you're still totally in the grip of your disease. Am I right?
Anyway, when my mom was sober-she was supermom. She did everything. Took us to museums and parks and the zoo, made delicious and filling meals, and worked six days a week. She cared when I was sad, hugged and comforted me when I hurt, took care of me when I was sick, she made sure she knew what my favorite colors were and what books I hadn't read yet-what TV shows I never wanted to miss.....and when she drank.....none of that mattered to her anymore. When she was sober-she promised me-countless times that she would never drink again. Because she loved me so much and I was so much more important to her that any liquor. And then she'd drink again. And I'd hide my sister and brothers upstairs or in the basement away from it all and she'd focus all her dunken rage on me. She's a little woman. By the time I was ten I was already bigger than she was-so her blows never hurt. But she'd curse me. Call me a stupid fat bitch and a whore and everything else she could think of. When I got older-she'd throw herself at my boyfriends and tell them horrible untrue things about me to scare them away. That......um.....that hurts alot you know? She'd took such good care of me and told me she loved me. She was supposed to give me that UNCONDITIONAL love that only parents can give-and she didn't. One moment I was her special "apple-tree" and the next I meant nothing to her. I was the first person to turn my back on my mother. My brother and sister have just recently given up on her. I don't think my father ever will. But around the fifth or sixth time she came back from rehab and broke all her promises-I stopped accepting her apologies. I stopped being nice. I stopped taking care of her when she fell down and cut herself. I stopped covering her when she'd fall alseep outside with dresses on. I didn't want to talk to her or hug her or kiss her-whether she was sober or not. She was never quite the same as she had been-because of the tumor and the bi-polar disorder. SO I just STOPPED. I didn't want to be hurt anymore. But. When she ran off with that guy from burger king, and me and my father found her in some rathole on the southside, sick, and wheezing, and pale on thanksgiving day......I knew, I KNEW that she had done this to herself. She should suffer. She should have to clean up her own mess. And I let my father get us back in to the car and drive all the way back to the dan ryan before I told him to stop. I told him that we could'nt leave her there. And he hesitated only briefly before pulling a u-turn and going back. He carried her out. Ad she laid in the back seat in my arms. But I would not let myself cry or care. It would only open myself up to more hurt.
My dad was the opposite. When he drank he would be so nice to me. We would TALK and have CONVERSATIONS and he would listen to me-and tell me things. He would make promises that he would forget when he sobered up again. My father did not believe in having "conversations" with his children when he was sober. Very few things that left his mouth were anything other than orders or threats.
So you see? The horror there? The two people that were supposed to care about me most in life, would, and could, it seemed, at any given moment-stop caring about me. I developed this thing. I believe that if they could do it-anyone could-so I'd just better be prepared to stop caring about anyone at any given moment-cuz they might do it to me-and if I can just let go-it won't hurt. I even have this limitation with my best friend of six years. Jennifer has stuck around all this time and I still feel like at any moment I will lose priority and become nothing to her. I try keep this wall up-even with my children. Yes, all of them. I love them all SO MUCH. The devastation it would cause me to have one of them turn their back on me.......it's unimaginable. But children are wild animals-and apt to do strange things-so I try and prepare myself-tho I know I will never truly be ready.
Everybody thinks I'm just a cold ass bitch. That it's just my nature. I don't really care about anybody-so don't expect me to be nice. And while that is who I am now-It has a background. There is a reason those barriers are in place.
One person has made it past. ONE person is inside-one person I allow myself to care about without limits-and it took me a very long time to get here. Van. And if he were to ever turn on me, and not care about me anymore-forget being mad or upset with me-just totally NOT care-I don't know what I'd do. He has given me the unconditional love that I lost as a child. And I had to let him in-to give him the same-because he deserves it.
That is why my dream was so bad. And I woke up. And I rolled over. And he wasn't there. So I grabbed my phone and sent a text:
"I had a bad dream. I need you."
And before I could flip the phone shut it vibrated:
"k"
and the he was there. And he came in. and he held me. And i shared with him the dream-and when I got to the part about him not caring if I left or not he said-"Well, now you KNOW that was just a dream." And I shared with him everything I have shared with you now. And he stroked me and held me and kissed my and we both drifted off again for a bit. And then I pooteed on his leg. And he still didn't leave. LOL. I'm lucky aren't I? I am. I know.

And, I feel better now. I feel better having gotten that out-off my soul and into the world. Sometimes-I blog for spite, it's true, but mostly I blog because-it actually makes me feel better. Maybe one day-I won't even feel like this anymore. But for now I've got big, broad shoulders to lean on, and a gorgeous, caring smile to get me thru, and an audience of millions-whether they know it or not.

The District Sleeps Alone Tonigh

smeared black ink: your palms are sweaty and i'm

barely listening to last demands

i'm staring at the asphalt wondering what's buried

underneath where i am



i'll wear my badge: a vinyl sticker with big block

letters adherent to my chest

that tells your new friends i am a visitor here: i

am not permanent

and the only thing keeping me dry is where i am



you seem so out of context in this gaudy apartment

complex

a stranger with your door key explaining that i

am just visiting

and i am finally seeing why i was the one worth

leaving



d.c. sleeps alone tonight



you seem so out of contect in this gaudy apartment

complex

a stranger with your door key explaining that i

am just visiting

and i am finally seeing why i was the one worth

leaving

the district sleeps alone tonight after the bars turn

out their lights

and send the autos swerving into the loneliest

evening

and i am finally seeing why i was the one worth

leaving

Flossy

If you aint got no money take yo'broke ass home
You say: If you aint got no money take yo'broke ass home
G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S, yeah G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S

[B-Section:]
We flying the first class
Up in the sky
Poppin' champagne
Livin' the life
In the fast lane
And I wont change
For the glamorous, oh the flossy flossy

[chorus:]
The glamorous,
The glamorous, glamorous (the glamorous life)
For the glamorous, oh the flossy flossy

[Verse:]
Wear them gold and diamonds rings
All them things dont mean a thing
Chaperons and limousines
Shopping for expensive things
I be on the moovie screens
Magazines and boogie scenes
Im not clean, Im not pristine
Im n queen, Im no machine
I still go to Taco Bell
Drivethrough, raw as Hell
I dont care, Im still real
No matter how many records I seel
After the show or after the grammys
I like to go cool out with the family
Sippin', reminscing on days when I had a Mustang
And now I'm in...

[B-section then chorus]

[Ludacris:]
Im talking Champagne wishes, caviar dreams
You deserve nothing but all the finer things
Now this whole world has no clue to do with us
I've got enough money in the bank for the two of us
Brother gotta keep enough lettuce
To support your shoe fetish
Lifestyles so rich and famous
Robin Leach will get jelous
Half a million for the stones
Takin trips from here to Rome
So If you aint got no money take yo'broke ass home
G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S, yeah G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S

[B-section + chorus x2]

[Verse:]
I got problems up to here
I've got people in my ear
Telling me these crazy things
That I dont want to know (fuck y'all)
I've got money in the bank
And I'd really like to thank
All the fans, I'd like to thank
Thank you really though
Cuz i remember yesterday
When I dreamt about the days
When I'd rock on MTV, that be really dope
Damn, It's been a long road
And the industry is cold
I'm glad my daddy tell me so, he let his daugther know. [x3]

It's Called MYspace not YOURspace-so guess who controls what goes on 'round hurr????????

The girls are OURS every weekend. In writing. o yes!
I GET TO SEE MY BABIES AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OH
bliss.
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I don't wanna put myself out there or anything like that but I must say.....

I have done a LOT of things with my man's balls. I will spare you the details. However, I can honestly say I have never put them neither in my pocket nor my purse.
LMAO!

A response in response to your response but in another blog entirely....yeah...

I know what she wants. I know why she's fixated on the untruth that things were perfect until I came along. She wants to be special. I mean-it does make sense that she does want a little credit for giving bir-wait correction-carrying and then having two of his children removed from her womb. It's natural to want a little respect. Maybe some honor from this man. And there was a point where she could have got it-and it has nothing to do with them breaking up or why they did. But you need some vital things to respect a person and trust in their words, deeds, and motivation is just part of it-a part that she lost. Whenever he brings up how many or the depth to which her lies have gone-she goes "Well you lied to me." Yes. He did. Once. And it was natural considering the situation. It was one thing-and it had nothing to do with the wellfare or state of the children. So if thats all you got-you need to quit that line.
So he can't trust her. But then there is aanother thing. Me. While she is the mother to half his offspring-I take credit for the other fifty percent. And on top of that-I am his WIFE. Which is where she lost any respect she could have had with me. When there I had an issue with her-I texted her. I called her. I offered to go over there. And what did she do? She ignored me. She told my husband "Get your girl."
Lemme explain something flat out. He is my husband not my father. I don't follow his command unquestioning. He is my life partner not my boss. He doesn't order me to do anything. So if you want something of me-you'll get the best results by asking me. In addition-he's not just my husband, and partner-he's my BEST FRIEND. And we tell each other everything. To tell one of us something in confidence and not expect it to be shared with the other at some point of time is foolish. And if ya don't know-now you know. And to anyone that didn't know and is now wondering if i know about???????Yes. I do. And I have for a while.
But back to the point. I am mother, lover, wife, friend, confidant, partner, nurse, and so much more in my relationship with Verlander. She has one role-BABY MOMMA. And while she may covet the level of respect and trust I recieve-she needs to address whats lacking with her own husband. And stop trying to use their children to blackmail mine into caring about her or caring less about me. I know she feels like that since they were here first-her and her kids are of a higher priority than me and mine-but thats not true. My husband will never assign a unmatching values on his love or attention or support for any of his children. He is not that kind of man. I adopt that attitude when in my house-all of the children are treated equally I do not give favor to my own over those I had no part in making. And while-to Verlander-our children will never be unequaled-her and I-will never be equals. Not even close. So her expectations are totally unreal. And thats not my fault. Not his fault. And not the fault of the kids.

(FAT) Evil Bitch

on't get me wrong. It's not that I don't have more horrible but true things to say about the greasy one. But....right now.....I'm just too sad. And it's rare that in a fight my saddness beats out my anger...but it just goes to show ya-parenthood changes you.

I just miss my babies! I just wanna hold them. I just wanna talk to them and find out everything that happened in school this week. I want to help Nina with her book report. I wanna trip over Jessie cuz she's my own personal shadow. I wanna watch them dance and listen to them sing (badly, lol). I wanna watch videos with them while they ask so many questions about the movie that I barely get to watch it. I wanna sit down to dinner and hold hands and pray with them.I just MISS them.

And I have no doubt that God has a plan in all of this. Everything will be right. I know it. But it's hard to hold on when it hurts so bad. And I do not believe that she can be allowed to cause this much pain to this many people without getting her comeuppance. It's there. It's coming for her Maybe she'll finally learn that the loss of loved ones isn't meant to foster hate and bitterness. And it does not entitle you to anything. Maybe she won't learn it tho...and then she'll always be miserable. I don't care tho-really. As long as she stops making me and mine miserable.
My baby.....she is totally innocent in any of this. She's two years old. She hasn't done anything wrong. And it kills me that this fat dirty heifer is able to make even her cry. She points and the pictures and says "Wheres my Jessie?" Thats not fair. Thats not right. And it hurts me. And it makes me mad and i just.......
I just MISS them. It's not like I've never been away from them before-but the more I have them-the more I can't NOT have them. So it's hard. And it hurts. But it will be fixed. Until then.....don't let my tears ruin the slideshow for you. They are pictures from happier times. And be assured that this broken family will be whole once again.

Torture

I'm not asking that every day be sunny
I'm not asking that there be a party every Friday
Nor do I ask you to come back begging forgiveness

If you're crying with dry eyes,
Speaking about her

Oh my love, it hurts so much
It hurts so much
That you left without saying a word
Oh my love, losing you was torture

I know I haven't been a saint
But I can make it up to you

Man doesn't live on bread alone
Nor do I live on excuses

We only learn from mistakes
And today I know my heart is yours

Better save that for yourself
Take that bone to some other dog
And let's say goodbye

I can't ask winter to spare a rose bush
I can't ask an elm tree to bear pears
I can't ask the eternal of a mere mortal
And go about casting thousands of pearls before swine

Oh my love, it hurts so much
It hurts so much
That you no longer trust my promises
Oh my love, losing you has been torture

I know I haven't been a saint
And I'm not made of stone

Man doesn't live on bread alone
Nor do I live on excuses

We only learn from our mistakes
And today I know my heart is yours

Better save that for yourself
Take that bone to some other dog
And let's say goodbye

Listen, baby, don't you go
Listen, baby, don't get angry
From Monday to Friday you have my love
Give Saturday to me and you'll be better off
Listen baby, don't punish me anymore
Without you, out there I have no peace
I'm just a repentant man
I'm the bird that returns to its nest

I know I haven't been a saint
And I'm not made of stone

Man doesn't live on bread alone Nor do I live on excuses
We only learn from our mistakes And today I know my heart is yours

Better save it for someone foolish enough to believe you and say Goodbye

Oh after all I've done for you
It was such a torture to lose you
It hurts me so that it's like this
Keep on crying sorry I...
I'm not going
To cry over you

Currently listening : Fijacion Oral vol. 1 By Shakira

BITCH ON BLAST part 54....no....part 62....wait isn't this like the MILLIONTH time i've had to

What a fantasy world you live in! The way you say that you've done nothing but "help" us. The way you say you've been nothing but "nice" to us. Is that you being nice when you call me a bitch in front of your own kids?????? I may be one and I know it but it takes one to know one and I've never called you out on it in front of them. I have that much decency. Was that you being "nice" when you TOTALLY lied to them and told them that their "real" daddy was too lazy to help you potty train them? When in all actuality you were the one complaining that it was easier to just keep them in diapers. So he did it. All by himself. And it was easy for him to do it-when he had them all the time. Cuz you felt the need to party. And let ur home-where those kids would eat and sleep and play-be a revolving door for local gangbangers....you brought those kind of people around your kids. And had the "good" (sarcasm there) sense enough to marry one of them. What kind of parent brags around her kids about how she stole so many things from her job sweeping hair at a salon(with your lovely college degree-lot of good that's doing ya now, huh?)??????? How am I supposed to discipline YOUR kids when they walk outta Target with a toy they wanted and tell me-"my mommy does it." wtf am i supposed to say?!?!?! other than-your mommy is wrong. WE DON'T DO THIS. YOU put me in that position. Where I can't help but say negative things about you to your kids! It makes me feel nasty to have to say something like that. Cuz somehow thats gotta hurt-no matter how much they wish I was their real mom-you actually are-and they have to deal with the dumb shit that you do. Like keeping them from their father. WTF are you trying to prove? Are you trying to make it appear that your lies are true? When you tell everyone "he's a deadbeat. he doesn't do anything for these kids. he doesn't buy them anything. he doesn't see them." YOU'RE A LIAR. A GODDAMNED LIAR. LET IT BE KNOWN THAT SHE.THAT WOMAN RIGHT THERE. IS A LIAR. SHE'S FAKE. SHE'S PHONY. AND SHE LIES LIKE A RUG AND SHE'S READING THIS RIGHT NOW AND SHE'S ANGRY. AND SHE'S ANGRY BECAUSE SHE'S EMBARRASSED. AND YOU KNOW WHAT-GOOD.
Good. You should be ashamed. You need to feel shame. Maybe it will stop you from doing and saying the dumb shit that you do Like referring to your daughter as "the chubby one" thats unnecessary. Just cuz you're insecure about your weight( and believe me YOU have EVERY right to be insecure about your weight) doesn't mean that you have to take it out on her.
And the only time MY husband ever bought nothing for those girls was when he was stripped down to making a hundred dollars a week b/c of the ridiculous amount of child support he has to pay your ass. And guess what else-this whole summer-when you weren't getting a dime-that was GOOD that was JUSTIFIED-cuz they were over here-JUST AS MUCH-as the were over there. And we didn't ask you for a dime either. How are we able to provide them with closets full of clothes. Jeans and sweaters, and jackets and beds and food with out asking you for a cent-but you have to go to the state to do the same thing? And guess what? All our money-IS LEGAL. We work hard for it. We don't steal. We don't run giftcard scams. And my husband is FOR DAMN SURE not running around in front of my house SERVING. What happens to those girls when ya'll get popped off? Have you thought about that? Are you that naive to think it wont happen? I know that car note is expensive. And the second mortgage. And the home equity loan. But you should never have become dependent on my HUSBAND'S check.
When you were getting five hundred dollars a month in addition to you and your husbands income and all the dumb shit you do on the side-we were struggling to feed ourselves and the baby-and I remember what you said. "Well-you knew you had two kids already-you shoulda thought of this before you had her." Which would appear to be a valid a point to only the stupidest of people because SHE'S HERE NOW. MY DAUGHTER IS HERE NOW. AND WE TOOK CARE OF HER. WITHOUT ANY HELP FROM THE GOVERNMENT OR ANYONE ELSE. Can you say the same? And you can talk all the "she's not your real sister-she's only your half sister" shit in the world you wanna talk but those girls are smater than you already. And they know better. They know that their sister has the same last name as them. And they have the same last name as their father AND me. Not yours. Or your husbands. Or your sons. Did you ever think about that? I doubt it. But they did. All by themsleves. See-they're smart. I told you.


o. and i hope your "glangs" shrivel up and fall off. God. I can't believe you have the nerve to talk shit about my age. You are damn near thirty years old. You went to college. And you don't know how to pronounce the word GLANDS. Wtf? I may only be 21 but i know that much. And you're the one who spent last winter cleaning up after peoples haircuts-you'd think you would have learned something-but no-you still send these girls over here with these raggedy uneven ass haircuts. Spend the extra 10 bucks. Take them to supercuts. For GODS SAKE. I'd send you the money myself via SDU-but I already know thats not where it would go. And you know there are people with hair cutting"habits" that would do an excellent job for FREE.
I also know-and this is important please pay attention right here cuz my baby's welfare is a t stake right, right hurr-that when your daughter says that her stomach is hurting b/c she can't go number two-giving her PEPTO is A BAD FUCKING IDEA. Pepto is for diarrhea. Pepto will make it worse. You need to get your baby some prune juice and even a childrens laxative. Cuz pepto aint gonna cut it. And do not ever hand me drugs again unless they are prescription b/c if there is something OTC that these kids need-I will take care of it. Thats what I do. It's what I know. Don't bother to question it. See thats why over here-they take vitamins EVERYDAY. not just when they get sick.Somehow they manage to avoid getting all the weird rashes and bumps they get at your house over here. They don't have to worry about seeing roaches here and hiding from rats. Nope. You actually sent me a little scabbie infestation from over there this summer. But I took care of it. Thanks for that tho.
Just grow up. Stop lying. Handle this shit like the woman your supposed to be.

Fabolousnessisty

So the girls got their hair done by their cousins stepmom-aka the awesome CARA. They looked so cute! And they loved it SO MUCH!

I think they look AMAZING. And so did they. They couldn't stop cheesing. So-of course the bm(no not "baby momma" it stand for "birth mother"-bear with me homies) had to have a problem with it. But you know what-WHATTHEFUCKEVER! cuz man-those kids LOVED it! THEY LOVED IT! Jessie just loved someone touching her hair in such a gentle fashion. She kept saying "wow-that feels so good!" iI am so happy for them and we all had such an awesome time today. I LOURVE MAH BABIES!!!!!

Mini-Me(links broken)

So if you didn't know already,

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I have this thing for "Happy Bunny". I love all "It's Happy Bunny" related items. I have, like, an actual wall in my kitchen devoted to Happy Bunny. I've been collecting them for years. In highschool I had the stickers all over my things including, my giant ass silver coat-which if it wasn't noticable already being big and silver-was COVERED in stickers. (Hey, I'm me-wtf do ya want me to do????)
I have a strong affection for one Happy Bunny graphic in particular

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that one.
As a matter of fact this is my air freshener(that my loverly Jennifer bought me)

and this is the poster on my bedroom door

Yep. I'm kinda into that phrase.

And now here(yes, I'm about to get to the point) is my baby Nina's new bookbag

Notice anything?????
Granted, it's not the EXACT same thing-but Happy Bunny was not made for children.........
But the suprise and pleasure I got from seeing that.........
Let me further explain-Nina was not with me when the bookbag was purchased-she was totally outside my sphere of influence. Totally. And we had never even discussed such things. She was with her birth mother, who probably hates me more than anyone else on the planet

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(and of course this feeling is totally reciprocal)so I had NOTHING to do with the purchase of this particular bag......except....I did. She wants to be like MOI! And I swear......you people probly don't get my glee over this but....I makes me feel sooooooooooooo good inside. I mean, Jessie, outright tells me "i wanna be just like you."
"I wanna work with medicine like you."
"I want my hair just like yours."
"When i get big, like you, I wanna lay in my bed and read a book, just like you do."
Nina doesn't come out and just say things like that......but this little thing.....this little catchphrase on a bookbag, that was picked out by her and purchased by her birth mom ........says it all. I knew she loved me. The cards, the notes, the kisses, the hugs, the fact that she chooses to call me her mom-all bespeak the love and respect she holds for me. But now.....now I know that my baby ADMIRES me. And that means soooooo much. Only a parent could know this awesome feeling.
Thanks for listening to my bragging, lol. I had to get it out. My head is so big.....I might explode.




THIS IS WHY I DO EVERYTHING!

Daddy

The paramedics came and took him back in at five this morning. Your prayers are welcome.

PHOTOS From Turtles Bday(but the links are broken now that ringos gone)

Here are some pix from the Trin's BDay!

The Cake-Trin kept calling it a "cookie" b/c it had cookies on top. She kept saying "Wan cookie!"

She was embarrased b/c we were singing to her....

Amber is FRICKIN retarded!


Trin got mad becuz daddy pushed her face in the cake!

but quickly cheered up becuz....well-it's cake-and she's a fatty!

WIRED ON SUGAR! "HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII! MOMMY!"

Doesn't my Nina look so grown in this picture?!?! My GOD!

'Ren said she wasn't going to eat unless she had a PINK fork........

I LOVE my baby's expression right here!

"YAAAAAAAY!"

"Next present mom!"

I love her expression here too-she's so EXCITED! But-just had to be giving the "mom look" to one of the kids! dammit! I KILLED it!

Shoes that her adoring sisters picked out for her(ahem-I "helped")

THE SPREAD! And this is Trin's excitement level on TEN!

I Was Scared

Very few people knew about this, but my daddy has been in the hospital. He went in Tuesday evening cuz he couldn't breathe. His blood pressure turned out to be two-forty-something over two-twenty-something. He was in kidney failure. All of his other organs are damadged from the severity and duration of the high blood pressure. His lungs were full of fluid. He was in ICU-but he has improved and cleared the fluid from his lungs so they've moved him out of there.

I. Was. So. Scared.
I spent a large part of my life hating my father, because of his cruelty.....he rage....his beatings. For a while I prayed for his death.
But I got out. I got away-and he can't hurt me anymore-physically.....and emotionally he's got little on me-cuz I know now that I'm not a piece of shit. I'm worth a tremendous amount......to my kids and my husband-and thats enough for me.
So I was terrified of losing my daddy. Because he's the only one I have left. I lost my mom a long time ago-sure thats the body that holds the womb that carried my fetal self......but upstairs-I have no idea who that person is. My dad has always been consistently the same person. He's a little less mean these days-but he's still the dad I've always known. And I'm not prepared to lose that. He's the one I get my looks from, my size as well. And he's the one I get my personality from. And I don't know anyone thats quite like him or me. I am not ready to lose where I came from.
He may not be perfect-but he's my dad. He's the only one I've got. And as much as he may have hated me from time to time-I'm still his favorite.
And I'm glad he's ok.

No Excuses

Am I cranky because I'm pregnant?



....yes
However.
I am NOT an intolerant bitch because I'm pregnant.
I am an intolerant bitch because that is my NATURE.
I don't need for it to be excused away. If I am nasty or bitchy or MEAN to you-it's because thats how I am. And if I continue with out offering explanation or apology-that probly means I DO NOT LIKE YOU.
I am a bitch throughout-BUT-I am a COMPASSIONATE bitch. I blame my offspring for that flaw. That conscience. but it's here now, so, I find redeeming qualities in people that would otherwise be written off to ridicule. There is a gray area where there previously wasn't one. But people can either deal with it....or they can't. And if I snap at you-don't write it off to hormones-YOU WERE BEING IRRITATING. (this does NOT apply to Van-sometimes he DOES get treated just cuz I feel sickly)but everyone else-I WAS ACTUALLY UPSET WITH YOU. YES. I WAS.


I USE STEREOTYPES AND RACIAL SLURS CUZ THEY'RE FUNNY.

I MAKE GENERALITIES BASED ON AGE AND SEX FOR THE SAME REASON.

IF YOU CAN'T TAKE IT-I'LL MAKE FUN OF THAT TOO.

I'm not scared. I don't run from confrontation-pregnant or otherwise. If you challange me-I will accept. NOT because I'm pregnant and "moody" because it is my FUCKING NATURE. It is who I am. And if you don't know that by now.....GOD!
stfu-and go home. Cuz you're useless.